This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.

Goddammit, said the man, get your damn thumb out of my food!

Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm.

Why dont you just shove it up your ass?

the man said angrily.

Thats what I do when Im in the kitchen.

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in an oven.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died? The guy stammers and says, Um…no…um…what happened?. The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

Q. What does a black person and a shiny red apple have in common?

A. They both look good hanging from a tree.

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry."Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

I have chapped lips.

Does manure help them heal?

No, but it keeps me from licking them.

Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

your daddy so bold when he weres a turtle neck he looks like a broken condom

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

Are you my doctor? he asked.

Yes, I am.

The baby said Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.

He looked at his mother and asked, Are you my mother?

Yes, I am, she said.

Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born he said. He then looked at his father and asked Are you my father?

Yes, I am, his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying I want you to know that THAT HURTS!

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why dont we take off our panties sos we be cool Eloise says, Oh, I dont know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed.

So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, Eloise, honey, I just cant stand this heat. We jess gots to take off our panties sos we be cool? And Eloise says, Mary Jane , I juss cant, Id be too embarrassed. So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, Eloise, honey, look up there on the poch of dat house. Jess look at dat. Ill bet she be cool.

And Mary Jane says, Less go axe her. So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poch of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon….. tell us… is you cool?

And the woman says, Honey child… I dont no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon!