A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, Three million dollars.

The accounts person is startled, and says, In what form?

and the little old lady says, Cash. Ive got it here in this bag…

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, Gambling.

Gambling?, he says.

What sort of gambling?

Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, Ive got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and Ill even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 youd be willing to wager on that?

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didnt get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldnt feel right taking it from you…theres no way you can win a bet like that! The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, I know what Im doing…and I can afford to lose, though Im not going to. Is it a bet?

Ok, have it your way, said the president, and they shook hands on it.

See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning, said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank presidents office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. Hed gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?

said the president.

Hes my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?

No, perfectly understandable, said the president.

Well, its now noon, and Im still unchanged, so I guess I win! he said happily.

Not so fast! said the little old lady.

For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position hed want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

Ok, you win, heres your $100,000, says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

Whats wrong with him?

asks the bank president.

Oh, hes just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.

Two sailors and a nun are stranded on a desert island.After spending one one month on the island with the sailors the nun is so disgusted with their behaviour she commits suicide, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they bury her, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they dig her back up again.

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?" He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game – 7,7."The husbands competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining… when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now whats the score?" He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that hes wearing?

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks its a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

. . . On the road again, just cant wait to get on the road again….

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. Look! he says, and pulls the cork out again, . . . On the road again . . .

The M.A. is totally unimpressed…So what? he says.

Isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen?, the guy asked. Are you kidding? says the M.A. Any asshole can sing country music!

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said Take one pill for a great night. The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the mans son sitting on the porch crying.

Whats wrong? they said. The boy replied, Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my butt hurts and dads in the basement yelling here kitty

One night a man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful women sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and asked how much is it for a hand job?

The women replied $500 dollars sir

$500 dollars! That’s a lot of money are you any good?

Well sir you see that car out there?

The women pointed to a sleek black Dodge Viper.

Yes, said the man.

Well, I paid for that car with all the money I made doing hand jobs, with that statement the man agreed to the service.

The next night the same man walked into the same bar and went up to the same beautiful women and asked Miss, do you do blow jobs?

“Why yes I do, it costs $80

$80 Wow!, are they any good because that’s a lot of money.

Well you see that building out there?

The woman pointed to a company office building.

Yes said the man.

Well, I paid for that company with all the money Ive made doing blow jobs! the man agreed and the women did the service.

The very next night the same man walked into the same bar and went to the same beautiful woman at the bar and asked Miss would you have sex with me?

To which the woman replied, You see that island out there?

The woman pointed to Manhattan Island, the man said dont tell me, you paid for that island with the money you made by having sex with people?

No, but I could have bought that island with the money I made by having sex with men if I had a vagina!

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.

What the hell is this? he asks the pastor.

Why, its a toilet brush.

Ooh, I see, says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.

Well, its okay, but I think Ill go back to using paper.

What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?

Its ass.