Three old men were sitting on a porch."I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one."I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another."I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. There might be some matches in the top drawer, she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. Is this your husband? he inquired nervously.

No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend then? he asked.

No, not at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.

Well, who is he then? demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, Thats me before the operation.

Why does a mans penis have a hole in it? So he can get oxygen to his brain.

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant was planning a weeks vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didnt quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldnt bring herself to write the word TOILET in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. Does the campground have its own B.C.? is what she actually wrote. The campground owner wasnt old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldnt figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldnt imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. Theyre going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

What is Rodeo Sex?

Well, its where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, This is the way your sister likes it too. You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, What the hell was that all about?

She says, I was just keeping it warm for you.

He says, Cancel my hot dog.

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, A basketball coach?

The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.

Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

Thats nothing, said the manager, you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, I have some very bad news for you. Im afraid that youre afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.

So the guy asks, Well isnt there ANYTHING I can do, doc?

Hmmm… maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths. The doctor tells the patient.

Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?

Probably not… but at least youll get used to being covered in dirt!

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.

The young man said I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning! He then continues and says it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.

The uncle says with a confused look Um son we dont have a cow…We have a bull!