A farmhand is driving round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, Boss, Ive got a problem! I hit a pig on the road and hes stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. Hes still wriggling — what should I do?

In the back of your truck theres a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it into the bushes.

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it into the bushes.

So whats the problem now? his Boss snapped.

The blue light on his bike is still flashing!

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctors office complaining of an irritated crotch.

After an examination the doctor sighs, I dont seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?

Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains, she replies.

Well, then, says the Doc, Next time it rains, get in here at once, and well take another look at it.

Two weeks later it’s raining really hard and the little lady shows up at the doctors office. Doctor, its really bad today. Please you have to help me!!

Well, lets have a look, he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Dont worry maam this wont hurt a bit.

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. There you go, maam, try that.

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, Thats great, Doc, what did you do?!

To which the doctor replied, I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots.

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother."Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.""I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.""Ive got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

A rather fat woman with a sagging figure was vacationing in Florida. She goes into a shop and buys a bikini.

The next day she comes back and wants to return the bikini top and get half her money back.

The clerk says, But you need the top too.

The woman replies, No, I dont. I can get everything into the bottom.

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay. "No, Im not," the guy replies. "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend." "Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?" "Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore." "Well, what did you say to your best friend?" "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

This 14 year old girl was to lazy to throw away her tampons so decided to start throwing them in the basement. Well,34 years came by and her basement was flooded in tampons. She got an idea to put a contest in the newspaper, The first person to stay down in my basement for 48 hours I will sign a check for him/her for $3,000. The first person came,went down her basement and came back up with puke all over his face and left after 10 minutes. The second went down and came back up 24 hours later askin her how she expects anybody to stay down there. The third person came and came back up 48 hours later and the lady shocked asked him how he did it. He replied It smelled really gross down there but it was fine since u left me some pizza rolls to eat.

This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.

Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night.

They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire

What can I getcha? The 1st vampire says Ill have a beer, please

So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender asks the 2nd vampire What would you like?

The vampire replies A beer please. So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire Sir, what can I get you? and the 3rd vampire replies A cup of hot water please.

The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, What are you gonna do with that hot water?

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says Hot tea, its chilly out!

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the mans wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but dont worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back.

Scene: A crowded city bus.

Fat Lady: PTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPT!!! aaaaaahhhhh. Guy in the set in front of her: (gag)

One block farther along: Fat Lady: PTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPT!!!! Guy: (opens window)

A minute later: Fat Lady: PTPTPTPTPTPTPT! PTPTPTPTPT!

A couple of blocks along: Fat Lady: PTPTPTPT! Ptptptpt! Guy: (Sticks his head out the window.)

Another minute: Fat Lady: ptptpt. ptptpt.

A few minutes of silent stench later:

Fat broad: Pardon me, sir, would you happen to have the morning paper?

Guy: No – but the next time we pass a tree Ill reach out and try to grab some leaves for you.

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand hes holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."