These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…

OH, DONT FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. ITS NO BIG DEAL.

Translated:* I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.

HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING.

Translated:* And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CANT FIND IT.

Translated:* It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in
his pay envelope.

Bernadette urn-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize ur-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

An amount of blood loss which threatens the viability
of the patient, and the composure of the attending physician.

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…

THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.

Translated:* Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.

Translated:* I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned… but I forgot your birthday.

Apparatus that automatically turns red
when your car approaches.

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: Im sorry
The wife means: Youll be sorry

It Still Does Nothing