I love playing cards with children. They cant tell youre dealing off the bottom of the deck.

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar… Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A mans best friend is his dog. Thats assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If I won the lottery, I wouldnt be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. Id make my bosss life a living hell for a week or two first.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why call then hot water heaters if the water is already hot?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesnt everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Im not cheap, but I am on special this week.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Corduroy pillows: theyre making headlines!

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss? Shouldnt it be called a near hit?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphys Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone draw a blank?

Shouldnt there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, theres a 90% probability youll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock – cattle with a sense of humor.

You cant have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the worlds population.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isnt 11 pronounced onety one?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.