The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

Everybody lies, but it doesnt matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that werent smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldnt they be wearing night gowns?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?

Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?

What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?

How do Keep off the grass signs get where they are?

If the plural of mouse is mice, shouldnt the plural of house be hice?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

I went out today and bought everything Ive been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonnas baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

War doesnt determine whos right, just whos left

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isnt that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Did you ever wonder…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women cant put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why dont you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isnt there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didnt Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?