Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Its a dog eat dog world out there. And theyre short on napkins.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Never trust a stockbroker whos married to a travel agent.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why call it take a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

The less attractive you are, the more intelligent you had better be.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes?

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while youre ahead?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If youre born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Does virgin wool come from sheep the shepherd hasnt caught yet?

If the front of your car says DODGE, do you really need a horn?

What do sheep count when they cant get to sleep?

Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…

If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them.

When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Toast always lands butter-side down.

And cats always land on their feet.

What would happen if you spread butter on a cats back and dropped it out of a window?

Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

If cats and dogs didnt have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?