The Top 5 Men in a Womans life are:

1. Doctor.


2. Dentist


3. Coal man.


4. Decorator.


5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.


A Dentist says open wide.


A Coal man asks where do you want it, front or back?


A Decorator says how do you like it now that it’s up?


A Bank manager says don’t take it out you’ll lose interest!

David Lettermans Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You

10. Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping

9. Your houseplant occasionally sneezes

8. Dominos keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street

7. Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out

6. You get nominated for Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video

5. Your dishwasher functions are Wash, Rinse and Record

4. Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room

3. Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, Roger that, Chico

2. You googled a recipe for humus and the FBI raided your house

1. Suddenly discover theres an antenna bolted to your ass

10. Lower corner of screen has the words Etch-a-sketch on it.

9. Its celebrity spokesman is that Hey Vern! guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friends car.

7. Its slogan is Pentium: redefining mathematics.

6. The quick reference manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, Aint it break time yet?

3. The manual contains only one sentence: Good Luck!

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. Youve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Top Ten List for 4/25/1994

Youll never sit down again!
Singapore – spanking clean!

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesnt work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

7. Thou shalt use the English language properly.

#10 They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
#7 It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
#5 Theyre too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The drivers side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if youre being chased. You could use the mirrors if they werent cracked and covered with duct tape.
#3 Top speed is only about 45 mph.
#2 Who wants a truck that needs a years worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.
#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

Condom that doubles as a self-inflating hot-air balloon (with reservoir tip)
The Cartman – an anal probe that facilitates otherwise impossible ski moves
Palm Pilot to distract bad guys with that hilarious Top 5 List
Condom coated with truth serum
Can of whoop-ass disguised as a Diet Coke
Miniature caulking gun for holes in the plot
Giant foam hand that says British Secret Service #1!
Viagra Martini: for when hes shaken, not stirred
Really grippy pliers
Cool British sports car that — get this — actually *runs*!

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Cool New Gadget Used by James Bond…

Whatever it is, I bet a cheap plastic replica of it will fit in a Happy Meal.

Rumination of the Day: If you get a headache while in church, that means that God is trying to see what youre thinking. Contrary to logic, you should not make things easier by yelling to God, So why didnt the Thundercats have their own theme park?
(Dakota Shepard)