9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

1. No matter what my problem is, its the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether shes cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only wont he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isnt a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.

Weather Channel temporarily passes Knitting Channel in ratings.
During concert, Hanson breaks out into a raucous version of mmmGuantanamera.
Tori Spelling, confused by lack of sunshine, goes into hibernation.
Unusually high tides in silicon implants responsible for delaying production of Barb Wire 2.
Instead of flying south, Canadian geese just cross the border to shop.
Home Shopping Networks ratings plummet as trailer park residents nationwide seek higher ground.
Increased moisture in air means William Shatner needs less SuperGlue to hold his hair down.
In a first for a weather pattern, El Nino signs with Nike for a cool 36 million.
Groundhog comes out of his hole on Feb. 2 and — ZAP — the only thing left of his hairy little rear is the smell of burnt fur and ozone.
Matt Lauer responds to everything Katie Couric says with a booming Claro Que Si!
Minor changes in Earths magnetic field allow Jennifer Aniston to complete a thought.
Rash of muskrat sightings in Vegas turns out to be thousands of toupees floating in from Hollywood.
Confused British nannies begin swinging babies counter-clockwise instead of clockwise.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
Thanx to Keiths Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher

Getting a divorce is a mixed bag, some good things and some bad things. Here is a list to help you see both the bright and the dark side of the institution of divorce …

10 bad things

She gets half of everything but the bills
Without keeping your home just slightly warmer than Satans dominion, electric company no longer awards you Top Gigawatt User status
No more weekly episodes of Watch Her Butt Expand
People less understanding when youre late to an event
Senseless accidental death of spouse would have been a more romantic and fulfilling way to lose her
Belief in your ability to pick a soul-mate is shot to hell
Vacations can no longer be spent going to exotic and exciting spots like her parents home in Idaho
Now a woman crying can be caused by any number of confusing reasons rather than the straightforward its your fault cause
Giddiness and joy of annual Dual-Income-No-Kids tax rape merely a distant memory
Screwing your 17-year-old step-daughter wasnt the cause of your marital difficulties

10 good things

Your divorce lawyer can afford a new car
Friends are now something you can have instead of a TV-show youre forced to watch
No more nightly shrieking makes it easier to hear a movie without turning up the volume
My wife just left me great for sympathy among other women-folk
Having a beer is no longer a high crime
Regain possibility of having sex
Helpful marriage counselor now free to actively destroy someone elses relationship
Comforting may be done in person rather than through a bathroom door
Quietly sitting through tired, cliched chick-flick movies may now be rewarded with sex
Luckily you never spawned freakish mutant children that the bitch would have surely produced

Copyright 1999, Welds Press

6. Go into the other genders bathroom without fear of being caught.

23. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Ratings for Ricki Lake reach all-time high.
Its past noon and STILL no sight of the school bus.
Tuba sales plummetting.
Flashers relocate from schoolyards to playgrounds.
Gang violence back on the streets where it belongs.
Metal detectors moved from school entrance to mall entrance.
X-rated theaters packed with restless crossing guards.
Massive layoffs again in the Number 2 Pencil industry.
Increase in FULLHOUSE-LIST messages from teenyboppers who obviously dont understand Bob Sagets comic genius!
Refuses stunt double for steamy love scene with Brad Pitt – Oops, thats a sign that Keanu Reeves is out!
Every morning when you go out to check your bear traps, you gotta release a half-dozen kids.
Clown-head voice is two octaves higher when blaring Uh, you want fries with that?
You keep bumping into Woody Allen and his sweetie.
All the best kickball players joining professional teams.

and Top5s Number 1 Sign School is Out …

Normally dormant Alice Cooper heads for Vegas again with that new royalty check.

[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]