While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. Whats in the bags?, asked the guard.

Sand, said the cyclist.

Get them off – well take a look, said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. Say friend, you sure had us crazy, said the guard. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I wont say a word – but what is it you were smuggling? Bicycles!

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

Im sorry sir, the first trooper told the driver, but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, Tacks evasion.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, Pull, Nellie, pull! Buddy didnt move.

Then the farmer hollered, Pull, Buster, pull! Buddy didnt respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, Pull, Coco, pull! Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, Pull, Buddy, pull! And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldnt even try!

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks I can outrun this guy, so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures what the heck, and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says Listen mister, Ive had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and Ill let you go.

The man thought for a moment and said… Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, whats the problem officer?To which the policeman responded, I stopped you for running that red light behind you. Just then the mans wife leaned forward from the drivers seat and said with a very loud voice, I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going.

The man then turned to his wife and yelled Shut up stupid! The policeman continued, And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30. His wife then leaned forward again and squawked I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me.

And again the man shouted at his wife Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!

The policeman then looked at the woman and said does he always talk to you this way?

To which the woman responed, Only when he has been drinking.

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?

Sister: Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.

Cop: Oh sister, thats not the speed limit, thats the name of the highway youre on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. Ill be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, whats wrong with your friends back there? Theyre shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks What kind of car ya got there, sonny?.

The dude replies A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.

Thats a lotta money! says the old man, shocked. Why does it cost so much?

Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks Can I take a look inside?

Sure replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says Thats a pretty nice car, alright!

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP? Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldnt be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks Youre hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man replies yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

Ill bet youre back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive, says the beaming boy to his father.

Nope, comes dads reply, Im gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like youve been doing to me all these years.