A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.

What the driver didnt know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: License, registration and proof of insurance please.

Driver: Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.

Policeman: Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!

Driver: Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the mans head and shoulders.

Policeman: Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. Hey, buddy, thats a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? Ive got a phone in my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, Yes, I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo said, Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? Ive got one in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo said, Thats great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo said, Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasnt any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!

A young man comes home and says Dad, just got my drivers license and would like to use the family car.

Father replies, :O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make certain the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then well see.

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. Dad, I got great marks on my report card. Ive been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?

Father replies, Thats all true, but son you didnt cut your hair.

Son says, But, dad, Jesus had long hair.

Father replies, Yes, son, youre perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. Why are you eating grass?, he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food., The poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children!

Bring them along! And you, come with me too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! The second man answered.

Bring them as well!

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The rich man replied No, you dont understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, Uh-oh, what have I done now? Im not speeding. Im not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didnt deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, I know. Im here to tell you that your horn is stuck.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. But officer, the man began, I can explain.

Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

But, officer, I just wanted to say,

And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.

Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back? To which the farmer replied: Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

This temple is 1503 years old, replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

Easy, replies the guide, the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, Sir, I couldnt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?

The man gets really indignant and says, Officer, I couldnt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?