Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, Here, maybe youd like a nip to calm your nerves. Thanks, he said, and took a long pull from the container. Here, you have one, too, he added, handing back the whiskey. Well, Id rather not, said the first. At least not until after the police have been here.

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

My wife and I cant seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.

The waitress looked at him and said: Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.

Suit yourself, the farmer replied, you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. Ive circled the block for 20 minutes. Im late for an appointment, and if I dont park here Ill lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: Ive circled the block for 20 years, and if I dont give you a ticket, Ill lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the citys major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

Yes?

Excuse me, sir, the jogger said, do you have the time? The man looked at the car clock and answered, 8:15. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

8:25!

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, I do not know the time! Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

Sir, sir? Its 8:45!.

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillarys high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.

She smirked and replied, No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! Youve never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

Its crowded & dirty and full of Italians. Youre crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?

Were taking TWA, was the reply. We got a great rate!

TWA? exclaimed the barber. Thats a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and theyre always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?

Well be at the downtown International Marriott.

That dump! Thats the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and theyre overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?

Were going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.

Thats rich, laughed the barber. You and a million other people trying to see him. Hell look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. Youre going to need it.

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

It was wonderful, explained the man, not only were we on time in one of TWAs brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! Theyd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now its the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!

Well, muttered the barber, I know you didnt get to see the pope.

Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if Id be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.

Really? asked the Barber. Whatd he say?

He said, Whered you get the lousy haircut?