Microsoft Corp. dismissed an anti-virus companys claim that versions
of Internet Explorer 3.0 and above possess another hole in security by
calling the feature in question a design thing, not a bug.

In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski , and his
homosexual partner Andrew Kiki Farnum, had been admittedfor emergency
treatment after a fetching session had gone seriously wrong. I pushed a
cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in, he
explained. As usual Kiki shouted out Armagedon, my cue that hed had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldnt come out again, so I
peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract
him.

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next, The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskis hair severely burning his face,. It
also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball. Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

England: A German tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs
official realizes that the tourist does not know what a handicap is. The
customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does —
backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTOs Land
Operations/Simulation division.

Theyve been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the
case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into
exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they
employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.
Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees
and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In
particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to
helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a
helicopters position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used
to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed
the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time theyve gone to
demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided
to get down and dirty with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and
watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively… then gape
as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger
missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at
forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding… and Americans
leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie
wildlife…

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos
like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place…

A man successfully broke into a banks basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then
realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he
could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he
was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed 911 for help

Mary Poppins has retired from her days as a nanny and currently resides in
Venice Beach, CA, where she predicts cases of bad breath for her clients.
Her sign outside her office reads: Super California Mystic, Expert:
Halitotsis

There were two rumates and the one that slept ontop brung his girlfriend and he told her when they have sex for his room mate wont here if it herts say bread if you want me to go fast say Lettuce and if you want me to go slow say tomatoes.Then the next day when they woke up his room mate says your awake?they said yeswell then u better stop making sandwiches at night cause you got mainaise in my mouth and eyes.

General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags

Detroit–
With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market
down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win
airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in
all of the companys 1997 cars.

Auto accidents have never been so exciting, said GM vice-president
of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997
sales significantly. When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag
Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super
Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a years worth of free Mobil gasoline.

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.

As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to
myself, Oh, boy, this could be it–I could be a big winner! said
Cincinnatis Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when
the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and
slammed into an oncoming truck. When the car stopped rolling down the
embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was
getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that
airbag!

Its really addictive, said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp,
speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical
condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
Ive already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl
tickets, but I still havent won. I swear, Im going to win those
tickets–even if it kills me!

Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new
Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and thats
understandable. After all, theyre scary and dangerous and, sometimes,
even fatal, GM CEO Paul Offerman said. But now,
when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could
mean serious cash. Who wouldnt like that?

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is
killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GMs official contest rules, odds of winning the grand
prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. If you factor in the odds of getting in a
serious car accident in the first place–approximately 1 in 720,000–
the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car
are more like 1 in 31 trillion.

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the
airbag will inflate. I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in
my new Chevy Cavalier, said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. My car
was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my
airbag didnt even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that
the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick
Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. Thats just wrong.