Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasnt, he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.

I guess I was just really into it, you know? he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

It was an unusual situation, thats for sure, said officer Taylor. I
walked up to (Lawrence) and hes…just working away at this pumpkin.
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. I
just went up and said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked
me straight in the face and said…………….

A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?

And in October, William B. Singleton, 24, just released from jail in
Belton, Mo., on a larceny charge, allegedly broke into a vending machine
in the lobby of the police station and stole a 60-cent Strawberry
Twisteroo while he waited for his ride to arrive.

This is an actual ad that appears in the June 97 issue of Dog Fancy:

Can Your Dog Read? While there is little scientific evidence, loving dog
owners believe that there are many amazing indications that some dogs may
be able to read or recognize words. Send now for your Dog Reading Fun Kit
with eye chart, flash cards, instructions and diploma. Hours of
entertainment for you and your loving companion. Order additional Dog
Reading Fun Kits for gifts. Mail your check or money order today! $7.95
plus $2 s/h for each fun kit to: MDA Products, 5339 Prospect Rd #280 San
Jose, CA 95129.

Subject: MOUSE BALLS
> How To Replace Mouse Balls
I dont know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

Jenna

A caller named Eileen from Dearborn Heights was stopped at a red light on
West Road in Trenton when she saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of her:

Honk if you love Jesus

She does, so she did.

The driver got out with what looked like a sawed-off baseball bat, and
smashed dents into her hood.

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.

Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in West
Lafayette, Ind., in May on theft and fraud charges. Pyrcioch allegedly
cashed checks that he had written with disappearing ink, apparently
believing the checks would be blank by the time they were presented to the
bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained, and police said
Pyrcioch would have a better chance of getting away with it if he had not
used checks pre-printed with his name and account number on them.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who totally zoned
when he ran, according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

GOP leaders have returned from that bash in Palm Beach for donors of
$175,000, says Hamilton. Last Year, Congress promised to do something
about special-interest contributions. What they have decided to do is
deposit them.