Looking for Love: Heartthrob Fabio announced he is looking for his dream
woman, says Jay Leno. He says he wants someone whos funny, secure,
independent and has a good personality. You know whats really sad- the
one woman in Hollywood who fits those criteria is Ellen DeGeneres.

Some Boeing employees recently liberated a life raft from one of the
747s on the companys production line. Later, they took it for a float
on the Stilliguamish river. Imagine their surprise when a Coast Guard
helicopter rescued them after homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated. Not surprisingly, they no
longer work at Boeing.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
check — a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

A rogue guide dog has been destroyed after leading four of its blind owners
to their deaths.

Charity workers were last night facing an investigation into how
four-year-old Labrador Gamer was allowed to continue his murderous spree.
Officials have admitted how:
Victim Nunmber 1 was dragged under the wheels of a bus.

Victim Nunmber 2 drowned when she was led off the end of a pier.

Victim Nunmber 3 was shoved into the path of a speeding train.

Victim Nunmber 4 was left stranded as a truck mowed him down.

Trainer Rudi Jones, 48, told newsmen in South Africa:
He was basically a good dog who needed brushing up on his skills.Its so
sad that he had to be put down.

Gamers terror trail began with the death of 43-year-old Selmer Draznower
from Johannesburg. Witnesses told how Gamer dragged his master under the
wheels of an approaching bus before scampering off.

Amazingly, Gamer was then given to 68-year-old Wilma Hassamore who survived
just three months after his arrival. Gamer decided to cut short her
seaside holiday by leading her off the end of a pier. The dog pulled back
at the last second but Wilma plunged into the sea and drowned.

Next was Marvin Wurtenheim, 28, who thought his prayers had been answered
when Gamer arrived. But the misguided mutt butted Marvin off a railway
platform.

Unbelievably, the dog was then given to retired Clarence MacDuff, 67, also
from Johannesburg. As Gamer was guiding the unlucky Clarence to his doctor,
the hapless hound dragged him under the wheels of a delivery truck.

A spokesman for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association, in Durban, South
Africa, said: We had no choice but to have him put down.

Last night, the chief trainer for Britains Guide Dogs For The Blind
Association, Bob Steele, said: This could never happen here. If there are
any doubts about the animal, it is dropped from our training programme at
once.

On Campus: In a rare lapse of generosity, the NCAA has decided college
athletes can get jobs. This statement was sent via ship-to-shore cable
from the NCAA yacht SS TV Revenue anchored off Monte Carlo.

Athletes just cant make it anymore on what alumni give them, says Alan
Ray.

Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz
Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing
that they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name.

From the SF Chronicle, Herb Caens column

From the Say What? file — true story: Im taking two classes
this semester, one of which is Public Policy. Our professor is an
adjunct; nice lady, tries too hard. Anyway, a few weeks ago, were
covering a chapter on environmental politics, and she casts an
overhead with facts and figures on some of the more powerful
environmental lobbying groups. Among them is the Audubon Society.
If you do not know what the Audubon Society is, then stop reading.

So one of the students asks, What is the Audubon Society? (Bird
watchers, if you ignored my previous instructions.) To which the
professor replies:

I dont know, I think its a group to protect that road in
Germany.

It hits me like a spear. She did not just say that, did she? I
think to myself. I look up — and shes serious.

Thats Auto-BAHN, not Audubon! I reply, only to be drowned out by
the chorus of students in the back who are either laughing or
yelling, Birds! Birds!

What? she says.

I reply, Its a group organized for the protection of birds.

She stays silent for a moment, then responds, Well, what kind of
bird is an audubon, is it a spotted owl or something?

I swear to God — true story.

The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:

For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there
is one chopping at the roots.

-H.D. Thoreau

On their April Fools issue they ran the following:

For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there are a thousand
smoking the stuff.

The re-release of George Lucas Star Wars raked in millions.
This came as a relief to Princess Leia who had fallen on hard times
and was considering becoming a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers and
Ocean Spray. (Joshua Sostrin)

Says Paul Ecker, Teenagers all over the country are asking the same
question: Whos Mark Hamil?

The film was enhanced with even more special effects. In a related move,
Sweden will re-release Ingmar Bergmans films enhanced with even more
gloom, (Michael Edens)