Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.

The towns fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
Hysteria and Posteriors.

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

No go, so they tried:
Catatonics and High Colonics.

Thumbs down again, so they tried:
Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.:

Still not good, so they tried:
Minds and Behinds.

Still no go. Nor did:
Analysis and Anal Cysts,
Nuts and Butts,
Freaks and Cheeks or
Loons and Moons work either, so they finally settled on:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

Doc, the frustrated commuter complained, Im fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like Im going to explode.

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?

No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.

Tell me! What is it?

You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you wont be able to wheel back.

Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmens Ball.

He replied, Highway patrolmen dont have balls.

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what hed just said.

He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words open me first, and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. Shoe opens the first one and it says: Blame me, your predecessor for everything.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybodys happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, Blame the government for everything.

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, Prepare 4 new envelopes

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
–Lorenzs Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts arent.
–Beachs Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
–Anthonys Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
— Tussmans Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
–Lowerys Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peers Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
–Williams Law

Machines should work. People should think.
–IBMs Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place where they can do the least damage.
–The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
–Ehrlichs Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
–Ralphs Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
— Cannons Comment

The newer the carpet the greater the likelihood that the bread will land jelly side down.
— Law of inevitable consequences.

A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest. I think my line of work would win this one hands down, the surgeon said. After all, Eve was created from Adams rib, and that sounds like surgery to me. Maybe, the architect said, but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was an architectural accomplishment. Sure, the politician said. But before that, someone had to create the chaos.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, This is where your problem is.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded:

One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $49,999

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – ?and how much money do you make a week??

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, ?I make $200.00 a week. Why??

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – ?here?s a week?s pay, now GET OUT and don?t come back!?
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – ?does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here??

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters – ?That was the Pizza delivery guy?.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

After landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, well but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, Weve reached our cruising altitude now, and Im turning off the seat belt sign. Im switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.

Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

And from the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump and I know what yall are thinking. Im here to tell you it wasnt the airlines fault, it wasnt the pilots fault, it wasnt the flight attendants fault…it was the asphalt!

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? Why no Maam, said the pilot, what is it? The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of us here at US Airways.