1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be…?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!… Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, Ill put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Did I mention the kick in the groin youll be receiving if you touch me?
21. A womans favorite position is CEO.
22. Im trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.
25. Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
29. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. And which dwarf are you?
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. Meandering to a different drummer.
34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A plane takes off from New Yorks Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293, he says. The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and – OH MY GOD!

The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. Im so sorry for scaring you all earlier, he says.

But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

Thats nothing, a passenger in coach shouted. You should see the back of mine!

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

What for? he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, Twenty dollars contempt of court. Thats why!

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. Thats all right. You dont have to pay now.

The young man replied, Im just seeing if I have enough for two more words.

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if theyve left early, put them in Sales.

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. Thats a good point, Sparky. No, Im sorry, but Im going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what youre doing. For example: If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom.

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you havent lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN.

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying theres free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, Oh youve got to be faster than that.

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON
If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
Youll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

A couple of drinkin buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hanger at JFK airport in New York; its fogged over and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, Man, have you got anything to drink? The other one says, Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that will give you a buzz. So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and have a good old time like only drinkin buddies can do.

The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up for fear his head will explode from the awful hangover hes going to have. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER!

The phone rings and its his buddy. The buddy says, Hey how are you feeling this morning? Im actually feeling really good! The buddy says, Me too! I feel great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover…we ought to do this more often!

Yeah, we could but theres just one thing…. Whats that? Did you fart yet? No…Why? Well, DONT, cause Im in PHOENIX!

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought hed fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought hed wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, Jill, I have a terrible problem. I dont know whether to lay you or Jack off.

Jill said, Well, youd better jack off, because Im late for my bus.

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

Sung to the tune of American Pie
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile

What Id do when I had the chance
Is get myself a cash advance
And add another tech stock to the pile.

But Alan Greenspan made me shiver
With every speech that he delivered

Bad news on the rate front
Still Id take one more punt

I cant remember if I cried
When I heard about the CPI
I lost my fortune and my pride
The day that NASDAQ died

So bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now Im gettin calls for margin
Cause my cash accounts dry

Its just two weeks from a new all-time high
And now were right back where we were in July

Were right back where we were in July

Did you buy stocks you never heard of?
QCOM at 150 or above?
Cos George Gilder told you so

Now do you believe in Home Depot?
Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?
And can you teach me whats a P/E ratio?

Well, I know that you were leveraged too
So you cant just take a long-term view

Your broker shut you down
No more margin could be found

I never worried on the whole way up
Buying dot coms from the back of a pickup truck
But Friday I ran out of luck

It was the day the NAAAASDAQ died

I started singin
Bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now Im gettin calls for margin
Cause my cash accounts dry

Its just two weeks from a new all-time high

And now were right back where we were in July
Yeah were right back where we were in July