Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?
The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station. When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, I can take care or that. The scale master asked he how could he fix the problem? The driver said, let me go around back, and Ill fix the overweight problem. The scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, driver, you are still 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver said, I dont understand what went wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig. After thinking the problem over the scale master said, well 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my scales must be wrong. Im sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and have a nice day.

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, No, maam, we havent had any for some weeks now, and it doesnt look as if well be getting any soon.

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, That isnt true, maam. Of course, well have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, Never, never, never, never say we dont have something. If we dont have it, say we ordered it and its on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?

Rain.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
Asshole.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read:
SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.

The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man. He had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the inscription: =20

BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, Lady, if this vacuum cleaner dont do wonders cleaning this up, Ill eat every chunk of it.

She turns to him with a smirk and says, You want ketchup with that?

The salesman says, Why do you ask?

She says, We just moved in and we havent got the electricity turned on yet.

There is a new virus going around, called work. If you receive any sort of work at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT.

Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open work or even look at work have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter work via email or are faced with any work at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words Sorry…Im off to the pub. The work should automatically be deleted from your brain.

If you receive work in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the work to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.

After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that work will no longer be of any relevance to you.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then Im afraid the work virus has already corrupted your life.

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you dont succeed–try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile–It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork–words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isnt just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who dont work here anymore.

1. The Dairy Associations huge success with the campaign Got Milk? prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read Are you lactating?

2. Coors put its slogan, Turn it loose, into Spanish, where it was read as Suffer from diarrhea.

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

4. Clairol introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into German only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of whats inside, since many people cant read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of I saw the Pope (el Papa), the shirts read I saw the potato (la papa).

10. Frank Perdues chicken slogan, it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken was translated into Spanish as it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, it wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. Instead, the company thought that the word embarazar (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

A security man has a dream that the plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up he calls his boss at home and tells him. Insanely enough, the boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.

The next day, according to the young mans words, the plane crashes. The relieved boss calls the young man to his office and gives him a reward — and then fires him. Curious as to why he is fired, the man asks his boss. The boss replies, ?You were sleeping on the job.?