A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.

Where did you get the other shiner? the boss asked.

Well, the man said, I figured she didnt want it out, so I pushed it back in.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him: Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has increased to 35 cents.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.

As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?

The boy replied, Minnesota, sir.

Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota, asked the manager.

The boy replied, Theyre all just hookers and hockey players up there.

My wife is from Minnesota!

The boy replied, Oh Really! What team did she play for?

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility

SALARY: Less than Im worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, Really? Even with all the fluctuations?

He said, Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Its best for employers that I not work with people.

Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: none. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.

Looking back over the years that weve been together,
I cant help but wonder:…
— What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!…
— Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful you….
— have such an ugly baby?

Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love…
— After having met you, Ive changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…
— I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
— that youre not here to ruin it for me.

As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me…
— Like the need for therapy.

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!…
— I never knew what evil was before this!

Before you go,…
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
— Youll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married…
— but not to you.

You look great for your age…
— Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said youd die for me…
— Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
— So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time…
— What do you say we call it quits?

Im so miserable without you…
— Its almost like youre here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
— Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
— Id miss you heaps and think of you often.

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the other man.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wifes lover:

Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The other man was highly amused by the husbands formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your offices auditorium.