The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:

ILLITERATE ? Write today for free help.

AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.

DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children

STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.

SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE

DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

GREAT DAMES for sale.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it

FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment

WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops.

AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1

A truck driver was driving along and passed a sign that said low bridge ahead.

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under it.

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car. He walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, Got stuck, huh?

The truck driver said, No officer. I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasnt feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didnt even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, thats wives for you. The children will remember. The children came down to breakfast and didnt say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday. I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, lets go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, thats the greatest thing Ive heard all day. Lets go.

We went to lunch. We didnt go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it is such a beautiful day, we dont need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Lets go to my apartment.

After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you dont mind, I think Ill go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday…….and there I sat on the couch…….naked.

17. There is no I in teamwork. But there is in management kiss-up.

16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

13. If you think were a bad company, you should see the competition.

12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings–they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

11. We put the k in kwality.

10. 2 days without a human rights violation.

9. Your job is STILL better than asking, You want fries with that?

8. We build great products when we feel like it and dont have any reason to call in sick.

7. If at first you dont succeed, try management.

6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

5. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

3. If at first you dont succeed, delegate it.

2. Plagiarism saves time.

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, Now, in the living room, Id like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, Green side up!

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, In the dining room Id like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy. The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells Green side up! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, In the bedroom, Id like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells Green side up!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window Green side up. What on earth does that mean?

The contractor shakes his head and says, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.

This is a bricklayers accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayers report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put Poor Planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinates office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, Im a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before. I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.

As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, here, stick this in MYASS. It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?

Tom says: I would switch one train to another track.

What if the lever broke? asks the inspector.

Then Id run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there, answers Tom.

What if that had been struck by lightning? challenges the inspector.

Then, Tom continued, Id run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.

What if the phone was busy?

In that case, Tom argued, Id run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.

What if that had been vandalized?

Oh well, said Tom, In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, Why would you do that?

Because hes never seen a train crash.

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

What is your name? was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

John, the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, Look… I dont know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I dont call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… thats all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?

The new guy sighed, Darling. My name is John Darling.

Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…