A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

I must say, says the executive, your work history is terrible. Youve been fired from every job.

Yes, says the man.

Well, continues the executive, theres not much positive in that.

Hey! says the guy as he pokes the application. At least Im not a quitter.

International Marketing – Actual Accounts

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldnt be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means bite the wax tadpole or female horse stuffed with wax depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ko-kou-ko-le, which can be loosely translated as happiness in the mouth.

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan Come alive with the Pepsi Generation came out as Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan finger-lickin good came out as eat your fingers off.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, Salem – Feeling Free, got translated in the Japanese market into Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that no va means it wont go. After the company figured out why it wasnt selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang fortiny male genitals. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say It wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. However, the companys mistakenly thought the spanish word embarazar meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of the desired I Saw the Pope in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed I Saw the Potato.

Chicken-man Frank Perdues slogan, It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means big breasts. In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japans second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally…

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drinks eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensigns efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crews foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

Thinking quickly the supervisor radios back and says, Dont worry, well send some shovels…… just lean on each other until they arrive.

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer orpublisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After carefulconsideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept yourrefusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish mybook]. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving anunusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied andpromising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals.

Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]s outstandingqualifications and previous experience in rejecting[applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with myneeds at this time. Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] withyour firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. — get creativehere]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,

[your name]

The following are ways to detirmine whether a truck is company owned:

1. Company trucks travel faster in all gears.

2. They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on pavement.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks.

5. Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000 mile intervals.

6. Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, coke bottles, leftover food, and paper wrappers.

7. They can be driven 100 miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing.

8. They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while going forward at 20 mph.

9. Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the radio volume up.

11. Company trucks are not designed to be washed or waxed or to retain hubcaps.

12. All company trucks have many dents in the body, inflicted by a mysterious person called not me.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how its going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost mea promotion.

8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, Whats this?, you realize you just dropped the companys deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This ones your turn. Your boss was standing behind you. Its his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a weeks vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a sick day. The next morning the boss asks you, So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?.

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. Youre in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize hed lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. Here, she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. I found them in the hallway.

Now, she said, if only I could find my parakeet.

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

You arent going to catch many fish that way, said the businessman to the fisherman, you should be working rather than lying on the beach!

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, And what will my reward be?

Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish! was the businessmans answer.

And then what will my reward be? asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, You will make money and youll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!

And then what will my reward be? asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fishermans questions. You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you! he said.

And then what will my reward be? repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. Dont you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!

Once again the fisherman asked, And then what will my reward be?

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, Dont you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You wont have a care in the world!

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, And what do you think Im doing right now?