Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and well get back you-know-when.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and well have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Im only here in spirit at the moment, but if youll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as Im here in person.

HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then were probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and cant come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably arent at home and its safe to leave us a message.

I cant come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, Im at the phone NOW, recording this message, but Im doing this NOW, while youre listening to it LATER, except for you I guess its NOW, like, when youre listening to it…I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi, Im sorry I cant answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, Im not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, We arent in, leave a message. Thats why Ive decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in as-is condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we dont return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hi! Jans answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and dont need their picture taken. If youre still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, Ill be right with you.

I cant come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I dont remember. Id appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I cant come to the phone right now because Im down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.

Hi. Im probably home, Im just avoiding someone I dont like. Leave me a message, and if I dont call back, its you.

Hi. Im home right now, Im just screening my calls. So start talking and if youre someone I want to speak with Ill pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidys answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after Ive doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is Susan. I dont live here, so if you were trying to call me, youve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I dont guarantee that one of them will call you back — only that I wont.

Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and Ill get back to you at the sound of the tone.

Were sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

I dont exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, Ill call you back when I am…

HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to… I mean, do FOR you.