How to make a fruitcake!:

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1 C water

1 C sugar

4 large eggs

2 C dried fruit

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

1 C brown sugar

Lemon juice

Nuts

1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Directions:

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1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.

3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.

6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

7. Turn off the mixer.

8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

9. Mix on the turner.

10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.

13. Check the whiskey.

14. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

15. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

16. Grease the oven.

17. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

18. Dont forget to beat off the turner.

19. Throw the bowl out the window.

20. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?