One cucumber was telling another my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad.

The other cucumber said yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me.

A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups til I puke.