General Motors Telephone Help Line

What if people bought cars like they buy computers? General Motors
doesnt have a help line for people who dont know how to drive,
because people dont buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if
they did…

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and
nothing happened!

Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition and
turn it?

Customer: Whats an ignition?

Helpline: Its a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come
I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it wont go anywhere!

Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

Helpline: Theres a little gauge on the front panel,
with a needle, and markings from E to F. Where is the needle

Customer: I see an E but no F.

Helpline: You see the E and just to the right is
the F.

Customer: No, just to the right of the first E is
a V.

Helpline: A V?!?

Customer: Yeah, theres a C, an H, the first
E, then a V, followed by R, O, L …

Helpline: No, no, no sir! Thats the front of the
car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, thats the panel Im talking

Customer: That steering wheel thingy– Is that the
round thing that honks the horn?

Helpline: Yes, among other things.

Customer: The needles pointing to E. What does
that mean?

Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline
vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
pay the vendor to install it for you.

Customer: What? I paid $18,000 for this car! Now you
tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars stink!

Helpline: Whats wrong?

Customer: It crashed, thats what went wrong!

Helpline: What were you doing?

Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the
accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and
then It crashed – and now it wont even start up!

Helpline: Im sorry, sir, but its your
responsibility if you misuse the product.

Customer: Misuse it? I was just following this
manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in
D and press the accelerator pedal. Thats exactly what I did– now the
things crashed.

Helpline: Did you read the entire operators manual
before operating the car sir?

Customer: What? Of course I did! I told you I did
EVERYTHING the manual said and it didnt work!

Helpline: Didnt you attempt to slow down so you wouldnt crash?

Customer: How do you do THAT?

Helpline: You said you read the entire manual, sir.
Its on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.

Customer: Well, I dont have all day to sit around
and read this manual you know.

Helpline: Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest
versions that goes Fast and wont crash anymore!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help

Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I
chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.

Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help

Customer: How do I work it?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

Helpline: Do you know how to DRIVE?

Customer: Im not a technical person! I just want to
go places in my car!

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