Old and New Jokes

I wont be coming to work today because:

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1. If its all the same to you, I wont be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.

3. I cant come in to work today because Ill be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

4. Im stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.

5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I wont be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, Ill be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I wont bite things when I am startled.

8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.