Morning. Uh, just to help you cope until you wake up:

Feet. They are the frayed bits at the end of your legs. They go on the floor.

Hands. Also frayed, but somewhat different. Lets see, how do we sort this one? I know; stand up. Can you touch the floor with your nose without falling? Right, in that case your hands and feet are mixed up. Pick your hands up _after_ youve put your feet on the floor. Glad weve got that sorted. Now your hands will come in handy (just my little pun) for all sorts of things. Lifting your nightie so you dont pee on the hem. Holding the kettle under the tap while you try to remember what you are doing. Closing the curtains before the sunlight burns out your retinas. The main use for hands is to fend off any walls, doors, hatstands, or other predators which will attack without notice.

Ears. Best left off until you are fully awake. Nothing will sound right, and youll spend far too much time worrying about the ominous creak which is in fact a wind-up alarm clock three blocks away.

Nose. Doesnt work. Probably just as well, as you now have to go to the bathroom to make smells.

Eyes. Enable you to perform rudimentary tasks like steering (almost) round the open door, and checking whether the – too late – seat is down.

Okay, now we are going to deal with some of the more technical aspects of morning. Remember I said something about a kettle? You dont? No, of course not, you havent woken up yet. Sorry. Right, kitchen, now! Can you see the sink? Stainless steel, perfect for reflecting the sunlaaargh shut the curtains quick. Dont worry, it was a very brief exposure, no permanent damage.

Where were we? Oh yes, the sink. At the moment its probably a black spot. Somewhere near that black spot is a kettle. White plastic, about 12 inches tall, handle on one side, spout opposite, and a lid on top which will resist all efforts to remove it until it is positioned just right to soak you. Yes, just like that. Now fill it up again. Half way. No problem, just pour some out again. Dont worry, just keep trying until you get it about halfway, up or down doesnt matter. Ill wait. Right, set it down on its base and turn it on. No, no, I didnt mean with terms of endearment or caresses. Somewhere near the handle is a switch. Keep looking for it until you hear a click. Fine, by the time youve done everything else the water will be ready.

Tricky bit, now. For this next stage you will need to find several items. First, a donut. Well, torus, anyway. Youve found one? Good. Hold it up to the light. If you can see through the hole eat it, if your fingers are in the hole its a cup. Of course, if youve just poured brown liquid down your front its last nights cup.

Next, a spoon. Teaspoon, to be precise. No, I dont know why it should be called a teaspoon when you are going to use it to make coffee. Lets see … Remember when you were little, when you were sick Mummy used to give you medicine to … Yes, it tasted absolutely disgusting. No, thats not why we want it now. Just trust me on this, please. Its for your own good. Your Mummy used to say that too, did she? Forget the spoon.

Now we need some coffee. Have a hunt round until you find a jar marked Nescafe. You cant focus yet? Not a problem. Take the lid off each jar in turn and sniff. Youll know the coffee when you find it. Thats right, racing heart, eyes doing back flips, and half a dozen neurons have just fired up of their own free will. Now put some coffee into the cup. This would have ben a lot easier with the spoon, but … No, please, I didnt mean it. We can manage just fine without the spoon. put a little bit of coffee on the palm of your hand, a little heap in the centre. Now pour that into the cup. Well done.

Next, sugar. Whats that, dear? No, I meant sugar, the stuff that makes things sweet. Yes, exactly like you, dear. To avoid further traumatisation I think well avoid the S word and do this the same way as the coffee. Thats right, palm of the hand, then into the cup.

Now I want you to be very, very careful for this next bit. Do you remember the kettle? Thats right, under that cloud. Now lift the kettle by the handle and point the spout towards the cup. A little closer, I think. Now tilt the kettle until water flows into the cup. No, the other way, towards the cup. Woah. A bit too full. Pick the cup up and take it … Never mind, the shakes have done an admirable job of reducing the level.

Finally, milk. Look for a large, white cupboard with two doors, one above the other. Open the top door. Did a light come on? Not, not inside your head, that wont happen until after youve had the coffee. Good, then this is the fridge. Look for a bottle or carton with white liquid in it. It may have a picture of a cow, or a missing child. Or Grandad. Have they still not found him since he went to the sweet shop?

Okay, quick sniff. Not smell anything? Thats good; only off milk smells strong enough to get through to a dormant brain. Pour a little bit into the cup. Stir. With a … Never mind. Just drink it, your stomach will sort it out, Im sure.

Just in time, here come the children. What, you dont have any children? Wake up, youre having a bad dream. Come on, wake up!