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* One Star Hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.

** Two Star Hangover No pain.

Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!).Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.

*** Three Star Hangover Slight headache.

Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. Youve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Vs and a litre of diet coke – yet you havent peed once!

**** Four Star Hangover Life sucks.

Your head is throbbing and you cant speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that cant hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High 76.

***** Five Star Hangover AKA Dantes 4th Circle of Hell.

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cubical Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners on your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Youd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesnt even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog/cat has just died because you look so pathetic.

You should have called in sick because, lets face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state -which is a mystery to you because you definitely dont remember who you were with, where you were, or what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. Its when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza,an order of KFC, a ham and cheese toastie and a batch of rice krispie treats.

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