Dear Friends:

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness and since several of you have openly called me a dirty son-of-a-bitch to my face, I know I must have done something wrong at our office party last Friday. The Office Manager called me today from the hospital and so this is my last day here. I would like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to each of you personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, Mr. Simons, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I am very much aware your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a whore. Your wife is a delightful woman and my story of you buying her for fifty cents in Tia Juana was a fragment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, well, you will never know how badly I feel about it and I hope they didnt hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Miss Ashby, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairs as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam Franklin, you old cuss, youve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, Id never have done it. It could have been a lot worse if that fat lady had not been standing right under the window you jumped through; she broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

George, I cant tell you how sorry I am that I went all over the office, telling everyone that you cheated on a third grade exam. You know I was kidding… how could I know you did a thing like that? But for Emory to say he was going to record this in your personnel file… well, dont you think that is going too far?

Miss Jenkings, I sincerely apologize for saying that you were HIV positive. Im sure this rumor will cut way down on your extra-curricular activities, and all I can say it that it was the punch talking, not me. Perhaps you can bring in a certificate from your doctor?

Fred Owens, I know you are not a convicted felon, and that you didnt leave the party early because you had to report to your parole officer. I was just joking when I said I was going to report you to the cops.

Mr. Gray, I regret telling the firemen it was you who turned in the alarm, but of course, I had no way of knowing they would have such bad attitudes bout it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, dont they?

Bill Thomas, I know how you must have felt about me. Opening the door to the mop closet suddenly must have startled you and Miss Finch quite a bit, and when I think of how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. Well have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plate.

Hermon, putting that tennis ball in the toilet was unforgivable. I wasnt thinking about how many people would be using the toilet after drinking all that punch, and the way that thing flooded all over the floor and out into the hall… well, you would think they would make the neck of those toilets a little bigger, wouldnt you? I notice this morning that most of the water has been mopped up, so I guess that little stunt really did ruin your week-end. Sorry bout that.

Miss Brown, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all of your clothes and hiding them when I found you had passed out in the Ladies Room, was that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I could not remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, I guess, but like I said, I was little drunk.

To all the rest of you, I am sorry. Setting Mrs. Botts lace panties on fire seemed funny idea at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Going wee wee in the punch was in awful taste, too, and not telling until you all drank it was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all and know I am forgiven, I have a big surprise for you. Even though I dont work here anymore, Im going to do my damndest to get back to the office picnic next Friday.

Regards,

Stan