HOW THE AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT STOLE CHRISTMAS

by Paul Edwards
Twas a while before Christmas when Santa Claus said,
Now the ADAs passed, Ive a pain in my head.
It used to be easy to hire the elves
Who made all the toys and who stocked all the shelves.
Then the time came when the Congress did say
That I had to be careful about who I pay.
So I went and got Rudolph to pilot my sleigh.
He was racially different, so that was okay.
I used to hire men elves but that had to stop.
I had to let women elves into the shop.
Then Buddhists and Muslims and Croats and Jews
Became part of the mix from which I had to choose.
And just when it seemed I had got used to all
Then the ADA passed and it changed every call.
Before I was forced to hire folks from all nations
But now I am told to make accommodations!
Who understands all that the new law demands?
You must hire consultants! Put yourself in their hands!
And the first thing they do with a gleam in their eyes
Is to measure to see that the workplace complies
With the myriad measurements needed and wanted.
And then as if that didnt leave one quite daunted,
They ask to see each of the jobs that I fill
And express consternation at my lack of skill.
No, no, they opine as they look at each task,
You demand for each job what you simply cant ask!
Then much to my horror, they quietly say:
Rewrite every job or you surely will pay!
Then round my poor workshop they frantically caper
Clutching their tape measures, ogling each paper!
They measure the steps and they measure the door
And they mumble and grumble and total the score.
Every nook and each cranny gets measured with glee!
Then, with obvious joy, they report back to me!
Youre not in compliance, dear Santa, they say;
You must make many changes and starting today
You must change every practice you currently use
Rebuild every workshop and change who you choose.
We dont say that anyone has to be fired!
You can keep all the elves who youve currently hired!
But choosing the next elf you need for the shop
You must change every practice; this nonsense must stop!
You must ask every elf-person here to apply
Only orthodox questions, and, Santa Claus, try
Not to ask about handicaps, thats not allowed!
You must ask the same questions to all in the crowd.
There is some good news; dont go into a funk
You dont have to hire elves who are constantly drunk.
But do not reject yonder bibulous elf
If he says hes reformed, and is curing himself.
Every child in the land would be properly shocked
If Santa Claus found himself called to the dock.
So alter your factory, change every plan
And remove the impediments quick as you can!
The children expect it and so does the law.
And you can afford it! We noticed with awe
All the toys you produce and the money you make!
You will never regret all the trouble you take.
Oh, by the way, Santa, we couldnt help see
All your dolls are unblemished and clearly a. b.
Make blind dolls and deaf dolls and crippled ones too
That reflect population dispersion thats true!
And Santa, we noticed with mortified shock
That your toys may discriminate; jettison stock
You cannot produce a toy, Santa Claus dear
That talks and says things that a deaf kid cant hear.
And all of those toys with a visual display
Leave blind people out, so theyre just not okay!
The cars and the trucks that go fast when you race them
Exclude all the children who simply cant chase them!
And Santa Claus said, as he drove out of sight:
Let the parents give presents, Im off to get tight.
So the fear of the courts and that someone would sue
Managed to do what the grinch couldnt do!
No sleigh bells youll hear on this Christmas Eve night
Merry Christmas to all who continue the fight.