This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before
beginning.

Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty
pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.

Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your
Internet Service Provider (GOD).

If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list,
you will need to find the mailhost. This is a machine usually located in a
locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of
diskettes with that days mail messages, including yours from this list, to this
machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the mailhost. The
reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best,
fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys dont
want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer
(you did get all the tools needed?).

find the ON/OFF switch for this machine. Using the pliers, set the
switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the disposable plastic
switch breaks away from the computer casing. Discard the disposable plastic
switch in an environmental-friendly manner. This will alert the mailman to not
deliver the diskettes with the messages to the mailhost not unlike the little
red flag found on mailboxes. This should resolve your mail problem immediately.

You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If this should
happen, you will need to disable the mailhost once again with more forceful
measures. Repeat Step #2. Dont be suprised if there is a sturdier door in place
than the one you destroyed previously. This is due to the fact that the Have
Key clique found out that someone has seen their private stash of computer
equipment.

After you have once again regained entry into the mailhost room, open
up the back of the mailhost. There may be a large tv-like device on top of the
mailhost You will need to remove this first. Take your wire cutters, and cut
any cables binding the tv-like device to the mailhost. Set the tv-like device
to the side. With your screwdriver, remove each and every screw that you can
find on the mailhost. Once this is done, the mailhost should break away into
two or more pieces.

Find a large box with a fan attached to it. It will be clearly marked
with the following labels: Danger, High Voltage, Do not open – no
user-servicable parts. Dont worry, these labels are merely in place to satisfy
OSHA requirements and you are not in any danger at all. Take the bucket of
saline water and pour it into any vents or ports that the large box may have.
Any extra water should be poured directly into the computer chassis, be sure to
properly soak each and every component.

In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on occassion),
douse any flames with the sani-wipes. This solution is provided without
warranty. It is not bio-degradable or fat-free. In the event of sudden death,
contact a physician immediately.