Kludges solutions to major world problems

1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:

Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of
energy expended in getting it out of Earths gravity well, which is most
probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place.
The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government
surplus list. People will bid on anything if they think they are getting
a good deal. And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really
care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly
marked Hazardous Nuclear Waste?

2. How to fund private space concerns:

This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress, and second
the lack of funding. Both these problems can be solved in one simple
manner. Make slavery legal again. All the work on the Constitution has
already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.
Now, since congressmen are property of the government, put them up for
auction. I know Id like to buy Gore or Helms and have them doing some
heavy, dangerous construction work for me, and I am sure many others would
as well. Then, just send the money into space.

3. How to solve net bandwidth problems:

Make network TV illegal. Since everybody has cable anyway, this wouldnt
have a severe impact in most areas. Give half the bandwidth to the ham
radio operators, then use the rest to establish a nationwide packet radio
network for carrying the alt groups.

4. How to fix the hole in the ozone layer:

Since open-air electric arcs generate ozone, simply replace all the
outdoor sodium and mercury vapor lamps with carbon arcs. This will have
the side benefit of making our cities much brighter, as well as generating
extra revenue for the power companies. Enough ozone will be generated to
surround most cities with a layer of ozone thick enough to block out UV
radiation, preventing skin cancer except among those who go out at night
under the bright arc lamps. But since only muggers and rapists go out at
night in big cities, its okay. This will reduce the crime problem as

5. How to fix the drug problem:

Make drugs legal, then make them a state monopoly controlled by the DEA.
Once the government starts running it, the huge profits will quickly
disappear and it will no longer be lucrative for anyone. The alternative
of course is to let the Grateful Dead control it, and then it will be
free for everybody and the quality will be much higher.

6. How to fix the mideast crisis:

Have the Pope convert all the Jews and Arabs so that they are all Catholic.
This can be done by applying mapcar to the convert operator across all Jews
and Arabs. If required, low flying aircraft spraying holy water may be
employed. Now once everybody is Catholic, they can all go home and have
a nice cup of tea together. The side effect is that this might cause the
area to become like Northern Ireland if the operator is not properly applied.

7. How to fix the crisis in education:

Since students in the past few years have been doing more poorly on
standardized tests, the tests should be made easier so that students can
do better. Also, all standardized tests should be in English so that we
can prove how much better our students are than the Japanese. Colleges
should be forced to have more programs like Business and Education which
dont require the students to think very hard, so that we can have more
college graduates. A college degree is a right, not a privilege.

8. How to fix the space shuttle:

Let Petes Auto Repair take it over. Pete can find the tiniest leaks in
seconds, and fix anything with gaffer tape and sheet steel. I swear that
if anything is broken, Pete can fix it.

9. On the issue of Lithuanian separatism:

Annex Lithuania as a part of the United States, and in exchange give
Alabama to the Soviet Union. This will make the Lithuanians happy to be
in a democratic state, the Soviets happy because they will have an Alabama
to go with their Georgia, and the United States happy because they will get
a foreign market for hog jowls.

10. Disarmament:

Since the Soviet Union and the United States are now at peace, they wont
need any of those nasty nuclear weapons anymore. The missiles can be
used for valuable space payloads, and the warheads can be sold as surplus
to third world nations like Northern Ireland, Libya, Israel, Egypt, and
Yemen, who could actually get some use out of them. Since you can only
use a nuclear bomb once, it seems a shame to let it sit on the shelf and
become obsolete. Also this would generate extra revenue to help in the
savings and loan bailout.

I hope these answers to pressing political questions have been helpful.

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