Dear ___________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the Twelve Days of Christmas, but we have had a little problem up here.

The Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids of Milking, and the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation and some dumb-ass has scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

Santa