Dear ________________:

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and if you are, I will have some special treats for you this year at XMAS.

I cannot promise you all the gifts from the 12 days of XMAS this year as the 12 fiddlers have all come down with the clap from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing.

The 11 lords a-leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, ad the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things with the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and that damn partridge in a pear tree have me up to my ass in bird shit!

On top of that Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation Front and that stupid Harris government has passed a new bill that re-schedules Christmas for the 5th of February.