02
Aug

Letter To The IRS

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil
and expensive. Its only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think its wonderful
that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull
that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesnt run at the moment
so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle
or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.
Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues
of abstinence. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you
will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate
Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. Ive had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself
one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at
three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and
his friends were TPing houses. In the future would you like him delivered
to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost
anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
whats the big deal?

Learn to deal with it.

Youll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. Ill take care of filing your phone number with
the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised
with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or
telephones. (Im sure that you will find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. Im sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tims. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
Hook On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can
buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!
Its quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak
English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she
fashioned out of valley girls/boys and the dred/reggae/yuppie/political
doublespeak. I dont. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has
her roll her Rs. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I
am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her,
as she sort of nests in her room and I think that it would be easier to
move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go
bankrupt with Kristens college but then I am free! If you take the two
oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls then I wont feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as
soon as possible as I have already increased the witholding on my W-4 to
cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an
airplane.

Yours Truly,

Bob

Note: The taxpayer in questions added this caveat at a later date:
Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions.

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