Liberalism cause discovered (adult)

It was announced today that liberalism may be genetically determined. A lengthy article in the current issue of HEY ! threatens to overshadow the announcement by Government scientists that there might be a hidden dormant gene for compassion in men.

Reports of the gene codes which predispose one to liberal views were discovered after a long study in Brite Orange County CA, has sent shock waves through medical, political and yuppie communities.

Psychologists have long believed the off-the-wall liberals unnatural and frequently unconstitutional radical tendencies resulted from an unhealthy family life – a remarkably high percentage of liberals had whimpy and submissive fathers, as well as latent lesbian mothers who didnt teach them traditions at all. Biologists have long suspected that liberal tendencies are inherited. After all said one author of the article, Its quite common for such a free spirit to have a brother or sister who also has such distorted views.

The finding has been greeted with a sigh of relief by parents, family & friends of liberals, who have tended to blame themselves for the twisted political views of otherwise lovable people. One mother, a life-long Conservative, with two liberal sons, clasped her hands in ecstasy upon hearing of the findings. I just knew it was a freak of nature, she said, I knew my boys wouldnt actually choose that kind of lifestyle!

Despite the near certainty of the medical community about these genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The article offered no reason for the startlingly high incidence of liberals found among siblings of the Yuppie Community. It remains to be explained why so many avowed Liberals vote Republican occasionally – or at least fantasize about doing so.

Surprisingly, some are hailing the findings as a step forward rather than an invitation to deny liberals their civil rights; to which normal, sane people are entitled.

Other free thinkers, recalling early scientific studies to test the mental instability of hippies (long established to be the fore-runners of todays yuppies, only with no material goods), find the frenzied search for the biological cause of liberalism pointless, if not downright sinister. But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a much brighter tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could help these hapless souls, & eventually, eradicate liberals altogether; bringing peace to the world.

President Clinton and co-President Hillary were in closed conference with the Attorney General to determine if there was a method for them to veto or outlaw this latest discovery and could not be reached for comment.

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