Lunch, the HP Way

by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming disc
drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series
70, the works. He said itd take about an hour. Three hours later, wed
barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs
for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter
was a menu which began…

MMUs (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

How would you like to order that, sir?

Quickly, if possible. Cant I just order a sandwich and a drink?

No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?

I scanned the menu. How big is the 00010 burger?

The patty is rated at eight bites.

Well, how about the rest of it?

I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think its a bit more.

Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade.

My sales rep interrupted. No, you want the Single Burger option 002
expands burger to two patties. The double burger upgrade would give you
two burgers.

But you could get return credit on the extra bun, the waitress chimed in,
trying to be helpful, although it isnt documented.

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in
line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in
the parking lot with his cherry-red 62 Vette. He was talking to some woman
who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

What if… we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and
without the burger and cheese? Itd be a BLT!

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention
again. Have you decided, sir?

Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
option 001. I want everything on it. She put me down for the Condiment
Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option
to substitute relish.

Ketchup. I hated to ask. I want ketchup on that, too.

Thats not a condiment, sir, its a Tomato Product. My sales rep butted in
again. Thats not a supported configuration.

What now? I kept my voice steady.

Too juicy. The bun cant handle it.

Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it.

The waitress backed away from the counter. Im sorry, sir, but thats not
supported either, the bun can take it but the burger wont fit in the box.
The sales rep defended himself. Just not at first release. It is being
beta-tested, sir.

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French
followed by option 120, English. What the hell are English Fries? I
turned to the sales rep. Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them.

I gave up. OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle. The confused
the waitress profoundly. Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for
series 00450 Milkshakes. My sales rep chuckles. No maam, he just wants a
standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf.
I didnt ask.

Very good, sir. The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. Your meal is now
on order. Now how would you like it supported?

Support? She directed me
to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany
with my Sales Rep that Ill never forget.

Implementation assistance?

You get a waiter.

Implementation analysis?

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat.

Response Center Support?

He brings it to your table.

Extended materials?

You get refills.

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my
check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the
table, and decided itd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadnt
been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching
in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, Two weeks.
But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away.

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile
and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began
to grom dim, my eyesight faded…

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told
me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

Richard J. Sexton