If I were ol Santa, you know what Id do
Id dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

Id give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old colour that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

Id bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
Id draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till youd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

Id remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldnt spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
Youd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldnt hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when theyre right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks youre a nervous old granny.

Youd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles wont ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, youd never look stupid
Youd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

Id give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! Im not Santa. Im simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms Ive got
But Im due at my doctors for an estrogen shot.
Even though weve grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.