Old and New Jokes

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they werent entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.

One day Jims conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widows house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldnt be dishonest anymore.

Dont quit now, Peter begged. A few more jobs and we can retire.

Jim refused to change his mind.

Peter, he said. I just cant do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said – Repaint, repaint… you thinner.

Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wifes request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls.

Staring at him in disbelief she asks, What the HELL…?!?! I asked for TAMPONS, not friggin COTTONBALLS!!

He says, Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive…..?

A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down.

He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.

She is groaning in pain. She mumbles I think Im blind.

I think Im blind.

Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, How many fingers do I have up?

Oh my God, she says. Im not paralyzed too, am I?

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents * I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldnt get messed up by being near the window.* A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with Im not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response … click.* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, Dont lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.* I got a call from a man who asked, Is it possible to see England from Canada? I said, No. He said But they look so close on the map.* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 820am and got into Chicago at 833am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!* A woman called and asked, Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whos luggage belongs to who? I said,

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gable!
Gable who!
Gable to leap buildings in a single bound!

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

What is it, child?

The girl said, Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin – its only a mistake.

La hija de 12 años se da cuenta de que le había llegado su primera menstruación. Sin saber de qué se trata, se va corriendo en busca de su madre:

¡Mamá, acompáñame al baño, es urgente!

Sin darle importancia, la madre no la toma mucho en cuenta:

Estoy demasiado ocupada, ve donde tu padre.

La niña sale corriendo donde el padre y le repite lo mismo:

¡Papá acompáñame urgente al baño!

El padre tampoco le hace caso:

Espérame un momento, porque estoy leyendo el diario.

La chiquilla, sin otra solución, se va al baño. Se levanta la falda y ve sus partes llenas de sangre; en eso, entra al baño su hermano de 8 años y al ver esta situación corre sorprendido donde su padre:

¡Papá, papá, la María se cortó el pene!

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the mans car bumper.

Then he yelled, Pull, Nellie, pull.
Benny didnt move.

Then he yelled, Come on, pull Ranger.
Still, Benny didnt move.

Then he yelled really loud, Now pull, Fred, pull hard.
Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said,
Okay, Benny, pull.

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldnt even try.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hacienda!
Hacienda who?
Hacienda the story!

Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.