Old and New Jokes

Got in trouble for watching a woman breast feed her baby at the mall, she got mad and told her husband to beat the shit out of me….now I admit the flashbulb may have made the baby cry….

First things first:



NO CHEATING Dont cheat.







This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Dont read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes Its worth it.

Its kinda eerie….















First, Get a blank piece of paper and pen.















P.S. When you are asked to choose names, make sure its people you ACTUALLY KNOW, and go with your first instincts!























Scroll down one line at a time – dont read ahead or youll ruin the fun!!























1.) First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.























2.) Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write any two numbers you want.























3.) Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex (or same sex if youre gay). Dont look ahead-or it wont turn out right.















































4.) Write anyones name (like friends or family…) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots. Dont cheat or youll be upset that you did.















































5.) Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.















































6.) Finally, make a wish















































And here is the key for that game..























1.) You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game























2.) The person in space 3 is the one that you love.























3.) The person in 7 is one you like but cant work out.























4.) You care most about the person you put in 4.























5.) The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.























6.) The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.























7.) The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.























8.) The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.























9.) The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.























10.) And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life.

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but dont worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, Gee, I hope we dont lose that last engine, or well be up here forever!

The Lipton Company is big on statistics–especially t-tests.

Real programmers dont number paragraph names consecutively.

Two of Bills sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said,
How far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?

The other one said It cant be too far. I think we just passed the
tonsils.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?

A: An interpreter.

Q. If one Mexican is playing basketball with another Mexican, what is it colled?

A. Juan on Juan

General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win AirbagsDetroit – With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11% since 1997, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the companys 2004 cars. Auto accidents have never been so exciting, said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 2004 sales significantly. When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a years worth of free Mobil gasoline.Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 2004, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, Oh, boy, this could be it–I could be a big winner! said Cincinnatis Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!Its really addictive, said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. Ive already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still havent won. I swear, Im going to win those tickets – even if it kills me!Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and thats u

Oh beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain.For stripmined mountains majesty,
Above the asphault plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee.And hides the pines with billboard signs,
From sea to oily sea