Old and New Jokes

Q. Why does the wind blow from the north in Indiana?

A. Kentucky sucks.

A handsome young man and a beautiful girl met and it was love at first sight. They immediately got married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom to freshen up.

Unfortunately, she had a case of bad breath so severe she had to take a powerful drug to control it. She was about to take the drug when she decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they would be spending the rest of their lives together.

So she returned to bed without taking the drug.

Her husband then went into the bathroom to freshen up. He also had a problem with foot odor so offensive it required a special preparation to keep it under control. He was about to apply the preparation when he decided it would be better to let his wife know about his problem because she would find out about it sooner or later anyway.

He skipped applying the preparation, returned to bed, grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss.

She said, Honey, theres something I have to tell you.

OK, he said, but I already know what it is … you ate my socks.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all stranded on a deserted island. There was a country not too far from there deserted island so they decided to swim across to it. The brunette went first and drowned 1 quarter of the way, the redhead went next and she drowned 3 quarters of the way, finally the blonde went last and when she got half way, she said to herself,

nah cant make it

and swam all the way back to the deserted island.

Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Theres no evidence that the change is due to evolution. What use would a mutation that produced part of a filament be?

Le dice un amigo a otro:

Hay que ver la suerte que tiene mi mujer, sale a la calle y siempre se encuentra algo, un día se encuentra un anillo de oro, otro día se encuentra unos zapatos nuevos, hasta un día se encontró un abrigo de visón, y muchas cosas más. Y la mala suete que tengo yo, que un día me encuentro en mi cama unos calzoncillos y me vienen grandes…

Thanksgiving Forecast:



Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.



During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.



A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.



Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.We expect a warming trend where soup develops.By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

If a listener nods his head when youre explaining your program, wake him up.

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. As the game is getting ready to start, Bill stands up, picks up Hillary, and throws her out onto the field. When he sits down, his chief advisor leans over and says, You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you have to throw out the first pitch.

Dear _________________,Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen childrens teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:( ) the tooth could not be found( ) it was not a human tooth( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received( ) the tooth is still in your mouth( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:[ ] string[ ] pliers[ ] gunpowder[ ] hammer marks[ ] chisel[ ] part of skull attached to tooth[ ] no dental care( ) other reasonInstead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy