Old and New Jokes

A man marry one of three sisters.

Unfortunatelly, within a year or so she dies and he calls her parents to tell how terribly sorry he feels. Then he asks if he could marry their second daughter.

Well, they cant blaim him for being a bad husband to their child and they let him to have the second sister. Again, she prematurely passes away leaving him a widower, he calls his wifes parents to tell them what happened and asks if they wouldnt let him to marry their third daughter, what they do.

After a short period of time, the man calls the parents and says: You will laugh but your third daughter had died, too!

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the

> kitchen



> department of a large department store. Whats that? he asks.



>



> A Thermos flask, replies the assistant. What does it do? asks



> Becks.



> The



> assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.



>



> Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next



> training



> session.



>



> Here, boys, look at this, Beckham says proudly. Its a Thermos



> flask.



> The lads are impressed. What does it do? they ask. It keeps hot



> things



> hot and cold things cold,says David.



>



> And what have you got in it? asks Roy Keane.



>



> Two cups of coffee and a choc ice, replies David.

During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at that time was that the guys insane.

Now, with Communists gone, a special commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was sane and all right.

So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away.

No problem.

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.

She called to remind the people at the clerks office that she was exempt because of her age.

You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms, they said.

Ive already done that, she replied.

I did it last year.

You have to do it every year, she was told.

Why? came the response.

Do you think Im going to get younger?

You might be a redneck if…
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

Only if it makes you late for the ceremony.

…and is telling the class about a test theyre having tomorrow, I will take no excuses for missing this test and no makeups, the only way to get out of taking it is if you turn up dead.
Now Billy being the class clown he is raises his hand and says what if I were too exhausted from a long night of having sex?
Mr. Jakobs replies, not an excuse, you can use the other hand to write.

[Ed: Original from: Reg.Cable.7M45@bnrcgl]

A Newfie was going to Toronto on the Airplane and started talking
to an Mainlander.

Newfie: Lord Tundrin Geeses Bye, What do you do for a livin?
Mainlander: Well, Im a Psychoanalyst.
Newfie: Psychoanalyst, What the Heck is that?
Mainlander: Its hard to explain so Ill give you an example.

Mainlander: Do you own a Fishtank?
Newfie: Yes, I got a tank.
Mainlander: Well, I bet you like fish then?
Newfie: Yeah, I like fish.
Mainlander: Well, if you like fish then you probably like the water.
Newfie: Yeah, I love the water.
Mainlander: Well, if you like the water, then you probably like to
go to the beach.
Newfie: I love to go the beach.
Mainlander: I bet you like to look at girls in bikinis while youre
at the beach.
Newfie: You betcha.
Mainlander: And as youre looking at girls on the beach I bet you think
about taking them home and having your way with them.
Newfie: Gosh, How did you know that?
Mainlander: Well, thats what a Psychoanalyst is.
Newfie: Oh.

The Newfie was goin back to St. Johns and started to talk to another
Mainlander on the plane.

Newfie: Hi, How ya doin?
Mainlander: Oh, fine I guess.
Newfie: Im a Psychoanalyst.
Mainlander: Youre a Psychoanalyst?
Newfie: Yeah, let me explain it to ya.

Newfie: Do you own a fishtank?
Mainlander: No.
Newfie: What are ya!? Some kind of faggot?

Bette Midler told this joke on Letterman one recent Friday night…

An old guy goes to the doctor complaining that he has silent gas emissions. He goes on to explain that while playing bridge that morning he had 6 silent gas emissions. At lunch he had four, and while he was sitting there talking to the doctor he had another four.

Can you help me, Doc?, he pleads.

The doctor replies, Yes, and the first thing were going to do is check your hearing.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked What power switch?