Old and New Jokes

A puss.

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream.

Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.

Fortunately they come to a place where they can cross and proceed.

Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, Ive always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate in a stream.

The other woman looks around and says, well, I dont see anyone around, nows your chance!

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and squats.

As she begins to urinate, she looks down. Holly shit! she exclaims, I just pissed on a man in a canoe!

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. Calm down, she says. That wasnt a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection.

Q. Whats six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A. Money

I got these from a friend of mine, who got them from a BBS in
New Orleans. I have changed Wesleys so that the chorus goes
teenaged boy instead of only a boy; I think it sings a
little easier this way.

From Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let it Snow)

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
but still we must boldly go–
make it so, make it so, make it so.

From William Riker (to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Heres a vexing Christmas riddle
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
How can I impress Deanna
(fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When Im number two banana?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

From Wesley Crusher (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

Im at Starfleet Academy and Id just like to say
I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day–
To make things worse I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes Im bright, though Im just a teenaged boy, teenaged boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favorite toy.

From Data

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh–

or so I am reliably informed,
lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived
referent for the term fun, I am able only
to report the phenomenon as experienced by others,
whose individual perceptions somewhat color the–
yes, sir.

New Republican GOP agenda – the Top Ten House Republican initiatives:

Eliminate the Department of Health and Human Services, all Occupational Safety and Health laws and regulations, and Luxury Taxes, and use the savings to eliminate the corporate income tax.
Restore the House on Un-American Activities Committee (Robert Dornan to be Chairman) and eliminate the Ethics Committee.
Provide tax credits for home schooling.
Repeal all gun control laws and provide tax incentives for private militia.
Eliminate all Federal election funding and regulations, and repeal the voting rights act.
Right to Work Act: Repeal anti-competition laws and outlaw labor monopoly groups.
Pass a anti-flag burning constitutional amendment to protect patriotic emblems such as Old Glory, the Stars-and-Bars, Star-Spangled Banner, Dixie, and maybe the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Provide tax credit for mothers to stay at home with children and double tax credits for children over 21 who live with their mamma and daddy.
Eliminate the Department of Education, the National Endowment of the Arts, and the Environmental Protection Agency. Use the savings to increase the number of military bases key districts, and cut federal incomes taxes, too.
Eliminate current child labor laws. Provide tax incentives for temporary job industry for welfare children. Children who cannot be supported by working parents must be taught early the necessity of hard work for getting ahead in life.

This message has been provided to you courtesy of Sim Webster of Georgia, where biscuits and Republicans are white n flaky.

The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: Its very important that you
take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain.

Yo mama so fat, the military could just drop -her- on Iraq and end the war.

Some great license plates seen over the years or heard about…

• IXLR8

  On a nice looking Porsche

• LK 2 FK

  Seen by myself – a blonde in a white Mercedes

• 3M TA3

  A friend of a friend had this one made up. Write the plate number down and hold it up to a mirror. Im sure there are plenty you could get away with using this technique. This is great when the person in front of you looks in his/her mirror!

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be hell of a party.

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it.

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?

The guy replies, Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, Are you crazy, you cant put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive.

The guy says, Its not for my penis, its for my arm.

Pharmacist says, What?? What happened?

Guy replies, Well. . . I drank the whole bottle of your potion.

Pharmacist says, And. . .

Guy replies, The girls never showed up!

The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with

pictures of favorite lawyers on them.

The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!