Old and New Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because thats the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chickens side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chickens people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road. And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road… it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and well find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, Ive not been told!

GRANDPA: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!

I walked into a bar today and see a sign hanging over the bar which reads:CHEESEBURGER: $1.50CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50HANDJOB $10.00Checking my wallet for the necessary payment, I walked up to the bar
and beckoned to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
drinks to a meager looking group of men.Yes? she inquires with a knowing smile, can I help you?
I was wondering, are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?Yes, she purred, I am.
so I said : Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon Generals office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.

While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs.

Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.

The Surgeon General warns:

1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.

2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.

3. Never moon a werewolf.

5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, I want the name of your accomplice!

6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.

7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.

8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.

9. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.

10. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.

11. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.

12. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.

13. Never walk your dog around someone elses living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.

14. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, Let me know if your bath is too hot.

15. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesnt leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.

16. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.

Q: What is every blondes ambition? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Heard in an East German department store:

Customer: Dont you have any shoes here?

Salesman: No, we dont have any furniture, here.
No shoes is one floor down.

Government should be run like a business. Weve all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobodys favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).

The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsofts example and actually ship them the following May.
Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other countrys intellectual property.
When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous years form.
Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.
The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsofts, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for-profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denvers old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

The agent replied, Im sorry sir. Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im sure well be able to work something out.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, Do you have any idea who I am?

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. May I have your attention please? she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, Fuck you!

Without flinching, she smiled and said, Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too.

The crowd applauded – and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight. Can I help you? he asked.

Replied the blonde, I dropped my diamond ring and Im looking for it.

Asked the cop did you drop it right here?

No, she responded, I dropped it about a block away, but the lights better here.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, Boy, Im in deep trouble now. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

Whew, says the leopard. That was close. That dog nearly had me.

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, Here monkey, hop on my back and see whats going to happen to that conniving canine.

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, What am I going to do now?

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasnt seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, Wheres that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and hes still not back!!

ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis? Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied. Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.