Hi Marve,
Thought Id send a short e-mail to apologize about our lunch date yesterday … I dont know what made me think we could chat and catch up with the baby there … guess Ive learned my lesson – you just cant have any kind of sensible conversatii) ###yyt JJ9swwb3@@kkjnn xbbp $mmk??? zzllwwpzt#BBBp223# #jjjj(((dfsssw4 —// … — with kids around.
Sandra Bell-Lundy in Readers Digest
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!
The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a PANDA! Look it up!
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
En su viaje a Nueva York, Manolo compró una televisión para llevársela a su familia.
¿Es qué no hay televisores en su paÃs?, preguntó alguien.
Claro que los hay, pero los programas de aquà me gustan mucho más.
She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
She startles the animals at the zoo.
On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
She makes onions cry.
Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they dont give up. They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too. They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results. A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when
abroad.
Brits: Cant possibly be mistaken for anyone else
when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that thats the governments job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Cant agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Dont, but only because they cant get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English.
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add Gday, mate and a heavy accent to everything they say
in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Attempt to take the order-takers order.
(Hi, may I take your order?) before they get a chance to take yours.
Order confusing items, i.e.,
Hi, Ill have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please.
When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if theyll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to check out the babe.
Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summers day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the suns setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.
The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: Sisters, Ive been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. Its been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell LeRoy!! your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think its time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.
Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, I think Ill name my husband Seven-UP.
Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband Seven-UP? queries one of the old gals.
Why, hes got seven inches and its always up! replies the first lady.
The second lady then muses a bit and says, I think Im going to name my LeRoy Mountain Dew.
Why, sister, why are you going to name him Mountain Dew?
Well, cuz mountin is one thing he do real well, the second lady says.
Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask, And, what will you name your husband, sister?
Ive been thinking that I just might name him Jack Daniels, she said.
Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!
Thats my LeRoy!, the third woman responds.
A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her drivers license and offered to take her moms car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, What grade, miss?
Eleventh! she replied.
(Did I mention she was also Blonde?)
Coca-cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
Dumbest dog: Afghan
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
Amount American Airlines saved in 87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
Barbies measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
% of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
% of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
% of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7
Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage
Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
Only food that does not spoil: honey
Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Eskimos never gamble.
The worlds youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Mark Twain didnt graduate from elementary school.
Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
Your nose and ears never stop growing.
Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
Hot water is heavier than cold.
The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
Starfish have eight eyes–one at the end of each leg.
Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.
There are more collect calls on Fathers Day than any other day of the year.
Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Men get hiccups more often than women.
Armadillos can be housebroken.