Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We dont know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
08
Apr
08
Apr
Tres niños están discutiendo sobre quién de ellos tiene mejor memoria.
Dice el primero:
Yo recuerdo cuando dije la primera palabra.
Y yo recuerdo el dÃa en que empecé a caminar, afirma el segundo.
Y dice Pepito:
Todo eso no es nada. Yo recuerdo que un dÃa fui a una fiesta con mi papá y volvà con mi futura mamá.
08
Apr
Un dÃa pasa un carrazo de lujo en una gran avenida, con un chavo hijo de papi…
Tras él venÃa un autobús de pasajeros echando carreras… El hijo de papi abre la puerta de su carro para bajar y el autobús se lleva la puerta del carro…
El hijo de papi, enfurecido, le grita al chofer:
¡MIRA LO QUE HICISTE, BABOSITO, FREGASTE MI PUERTA! ¡IMBECIL!
Una persona cercana le dice:
Es usted muy materialista, reclama su puerta y no se da cuenta de que tambiÉn se ha llevado su brazo…
¡DEMONIOS, MI RELOJ DE DIAMANTES!
08
Apr
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alice!
Alice who?
Im Alice chasing rainbows….!
08
Apr
What do you call a family of Mexicans standing in front of their house?
– A spicket fence.
08
Apr
The womans husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And You know what? What dear? She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. Im beginning to think youre bad luck.
08
Apr
There was a newlywed that just got back from there honeymoon and they where all ways having sex and one night they where babysiting there friends baby and they did not want to say things like you want to have sex a round the baby so the girl said from here on we say did you leave the dryer door open that night the guy said did you leave the dryer door open and she said no… i closed it later the girl woke up and said no i think i left the dryer do open and the guy said no it was a small load and i did it by hand.
08
Apr
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, Oh, Crap!
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were…
Hold my beer and watch this!
08
Apr
A man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.What about my sex life? asked the patient. Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?Only with your wife, said the doctor. We dont want you to get too excited.
08
Apr
Hello, and welcome to England, Youll find England a warm sunny country, with welcoming people, and good food which is much cheaper than you might expect. London in particular is not highly-priced like most capital cities.
Street Traders
Use them wherever you have the opportunity; they are honest and helpful, especially if you are not used to the currency. The majority will accept most foreign currencies anyway; alternatively, dont be afraid to offer them credit cards. They will expect you to haggle over prices though, and exchange jokes, such as: I think you gave me the wrong change you cockney bastard.
Coming by car?
Look out for the special double-yellow tourist-only parking lines in the streets. You may park here for as long as you like for free. Foreign tourists are exempt from parking-meter and car-park charges.
Toilets
Look out for the special toilets on the corners of many streets; dont be inhibited by the glass doors; use them freely. They are automatically flushed, cleaned and disinfected after you leave.
Taxis
This is the cheapest form of transport in London. Use them on the journey to and from Heathrow. Under no circumstances give a tip: the driver will feel insulted. London taxi drivers, unlike those in say, New York, are renowned for their liberal open-minded attitudes. Even if you dont, pretend to have left-wing, liberal opinions; you will win their sympathy and friendship.
Ask them to take you to the grave of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetary.
Tell them you have come over for a conference about single lesbian parents on welfare; imply that you yourself are gay; if you are black, you get extra points.
Tell them how you used to demonstrate against the Vietnam War, capital punishment, and more recently, the Gulf War.
Light up a joint in the cab and offer them a puff.
If travelling in a large party, get all your friends to pile their luggage into the one taxi; get your driver to take all the luggage up to your hotel-again, a tip must NOT be offered, but a homely piece of proverbial advice from your native land is always welcomed. Suggest to him that the Royal Family should be abolished.
The Police
Like taxi-drivers, these too are renowned for their helpfulness, open-mindedness, and liberal views. Feel free to ask them directions or the time of day; they enjoy such traditional japes as: Does your head go all the way to the top of your helmet? or Is that a truncheon youve got in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?. Dont call them Bobby though; try sweetie, ducky, or woodentop instead; You will be surprised at their warm reaction. Dont forget that you can always make free phone calls back home via their personal radio; just ask.
Look out for the next edition of Tourist Tips for England, in which well feature The Albert Hall – best least-known tourist hotel in towm, Take Tea with the PM at Number Ten, and What is the REAL significance of Beefeaters at the Tower of London? Discrete gay quarters you may not know about.