Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

A woman with huge breasts
was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun. When he
motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him hed regret it, but he
insisted. Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits
popped into view he began to get incredibly excited. Take your skirt off, he
demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off. So, off came the
skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge pussy, green and slimy
and swarming with bugs. Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the
gun to the ground. Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled
broadly, and commanded, Eat Me.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isnt it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?The witness stared out the window, as though he hadnt hear the question.Isnt it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you!

A young girl sat on Santas knee. He said, What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Some hairs on my pee-pee place, she replied.

Do you mind if theyre white ones? asked Santa….

Una vez estaba Jaimito caminando rumbo al colegio cuando un malandro lo llama y le dice:

¿Qué llevas en la lonchera niño?

Jaimito le responde: mi comida

El malandro le dice: Eso no se llama comida, eso se llama mierda. ¿Y quien te la hizo?

Mi mamá.

Ella no es mamá sino puta.

¿Y adonde vas?

Al colegio.

Eso no es colegio, eso es coño.

Al día siguiente Jaimito le dice a su mamá:

¡Oye puta, dame la mierda que me voy al coño!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, What starting salary were you looking for?

The engineer replied, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding?

The interviewer replied, Well Yeah, but you started it.

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.

All of this was just too wonderful for words, he said; But whats the dollar for?

Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; Screw him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea!!

Did you hear about the Polish Lesbian ?

She loved men……

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The 1000 km journey always begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper thats the time to do it.

Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Sex is like air. Its not important unless you arent getting any.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth, you dont have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

You cant strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

When someone says, Do you want my opinion? it is always a negative one.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

The trouble with work is – its so daily.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

Scientists say one out of even four people is crazy. Check three friends – if they are OK, youre it.

Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.

Two little boys were in a hospital ward next to each other. One asked the other What are you here for? The other answered, I am going to have my tonsils out The first boy reassured him Thats okay I had that done a few years ago, you dont feel a thing and you get lots of ice cream after. The other boy then asked What are you here for? The first boy said I need to have a cicumcison. The other one sighed and said Thats tough, I had that done when I was seven days old and I could not walk for a year!