When three drunks showed up at the local brothel, the madam of the house knew theyd be unable to perform.
One by one she sent them up to a room containing a bed and an inflatable rubber female doll. The first drunk returned bragging about what great sex hed had.
The second one did the same thing, but the third one returned with a bewildered look on his face and explained, I thought I was doing OK until I bit one of her nipples, she broke wind and flew out the window!
Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands.
As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second, not finding anything either, thought, Im not getting rid of my panties… so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other:
We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties.
The other one responded: Youre lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: We will never forget you.
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultants finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American teams management structure was completely reorganized.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Doctor my son swallowed a razor!
What did you do?
I used the electric shaver!
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones.
There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer?
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?
I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.
Your hands? What do you mean?
Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!
¿Sabes cuál es la diferencia entre un hombre que se tira de un décimo piso y uno que se tira de un primer piso?
El que se tira de un décimo hace:
¡Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy! ¡Pum!
El que se tira del primero hace:
¡Pum! ¡Uaaaaaaaaaaayyy!
A redneck girl was dating a fellow in Pennsylvania named Clarence. They got into a huge fight and she told her two brothers (Billy Bob and Billy Jim) about it. They jumped into their pick-up truck and headed to Pennsylvania to settle the score with Clarence. They reached teh state line and after passing under an over-pass, Billy Bob made a quick U-turn and headed back home quickly.
Billy Jim asked why he had turned around.
Billy Bob replied, I aint messing around with that dude. Did you see that sign back there? Clearance 14 feet 8 inches.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
There were three boys at the zoo and the zookeeper came up to them and asked for their names and what they were trying to do. The first boy said, My name is Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions. The second boy said, My name is Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions. The third boy said, My name is Peanuts.