Old and New Jokes

I saw this one on the HA TV comedy network:

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, Why is it every time I go out
with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?

Because Im a prostitute.

An 80-year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day, the 80-year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, Well, doc, its like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked. You asked your NEIGHBOR?

The old man replied, Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldnt get the damn jar open!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, And what starting salary were you looking for? The Engineer said, In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette? The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding? And the interviewer replied, Yeah, but you started it.

A German and an American werte having a rather heated arguement about the quality of their respective countrys brews. This went on for a good half hour when the German said: Look. Ill prove it to you

Whereupon, he poured a couple of ounces of Bud into a specimin jar and sent it off to a testing lab for analysis.

Well, about two weeks later, a letter arrives from the lab which read as followes:

Dear Mr. Schnitzel,

Based on the evaluation of the sample you sent us, we regret to inform you that your horse is diabetic.

Warmest Regards

Dr. Ben D. Over

Insolente, en plena calle, un borracho orina con movimientos de vaivén de izquierda a derecha. En eso, una viejita que pasa lo ve:

¡Pero qué bestia! ¡Qué bruto!, grita asombrada la anciana.

No se preocupe, pase, pase que la estoy sosteniendo, farfulla el temulento.

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, Trick or Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.



3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, Top Secret in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, Its about time you got here, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.



4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, Come in. When they do, have everyone yell, Surprise!!! Act like its a surprise party.



5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out whats wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural whirring sound.



6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.



7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and dont move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.



8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, Crawl for it!



9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.



10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.



11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.



12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.



13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.



14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.



15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.



16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.



17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & Ms and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you dont have any candy.



18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.



19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.



20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when youre finished.

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, Youre in terrific shape. Theres nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?

The 60 year old responded, Did I say he was dead?



The doctor was surprised and asked, How old is he and is he very active?



The 60 year old responded, Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing 3 times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.



The doctor couldnt believe it! So he said, Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?



The 60 year old responded again, Did I say he was dead?



The doctor was astonished. He said, You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?



The 60 year old said, He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that, said the patient, my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.



The doctor said, At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?



His patient looked up at the doctor and said, Did I say he wanted to?

A bird in the hand is dead.

Go ahead, make my data!

A Blonde on an Airplane

Ablonde buys a 2nd class ticket on an airplane going to Hawaii, but wants to sit in 1st class. She and a stuardess are fighting over where she sits. The stuardess says, it says right there on your ticket. 2nd class.
But I want to sit in 1st class!
You cant. Your ticket is for 2nd class.
The pilot heard all the yelling and came back and said whats going on in here? The stuardess replied this woman thinks she can sit in 2nd class. Then the pilot walks up to the blonde and whisperef something in her ear. Ohhhhh, says the blonde and moves back to 2nd class, as the pilot goes back into the cockpit.
Later, the stuardess is curious about what the pilot said. So,she goes and asks the pilot. The pilot replies I told her that 1st class wasnt going to Hawaii.