Old and New Jokes

Hola, cariño, ¿cómo te fue en el golf?, preguntó Estela a su esposo Pedro.

Bien, estaba dando buenos golpes, pero mi vista está tan mal que no veía a donde iba la bola.

¡Claro, si tienes 75 años, qué esperabas! ¿Por qué no llevas a mi hermano Santiago contigo?

¡Pero si él tiene 85 y ya no juega golf!

Pero su vista sigue perfecta. Él puede ver a donde va la bola y decirte.

Al día siguiente, Pedro estaba jugando y Santiago miraba a su lado. Pedro golpeó con fuerza y la bola salió disparada un buen tramo.

¿La viste?, preguntó Pedro.

Sí, respondió Santiago.

Bueno, ¿y dónde cayó? preguntó Pedro, esforzando la vista sin alcanzar a ver nada.

Ya no me acuerdo…

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.

When in trouble, delegate.

Well worry about that when we get there.

It is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.
(Yogi Berra)

When you talk to me, shut up!
(Leo Rosten)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book: Ill waste no time reading it.
(Moses Hadas)

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldnt afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
(Joey Bishop)

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
(Robert Frost)

My mother and father were first cousins. Thats why I look so much alike.
(Unknown)

No, I dont give refunds for bad jokes.

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?

When Mary didnt stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

God Almighty ! shouted Mary.

The teacher said, Very good! and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, Who is our Lord and Savior?, but Mary didnt even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

Jesus Christ! shouted Mary.

The teacher said, Very good! and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, Ill break it in half!

The Teacher fainted.

This sounds like an urban myth, but I trust the teller.

A friend from Berkeley just started working for the University. His supervisor
had the following tale to tell:

The supervisor and his brother were going off to the 3rd game of the World
Series on Oct. 17. The brother was taking his new car, a pure white Mercedes
with gold trim. Hed bought it three days before.

They get to the game, park, and go to the stands. The earthquake hits.
Everyone cheers. Everyone goes out to their cars. However, our two heroes
cant find their car–its been stolen. Somehow they get home, tell the
insurance company, and go on with their lives.

A couple weeks ago, the insurance company phoned back saying that theyd found
the car. In fact, theyd found the thief as well–he was in the car when
they found it… in the Cypress Structure, crushed to six inches high…

The brother was horrified, but Andys supervisor was really happy.
Yes, there is justice in this world!

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says Put this on your bill sir to which the duck replies what do you think IM a dickhead!

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such a Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, he pointed out, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah. Right.

Thanx to W. F. Norman.