Old and New Jokes

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.

The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmothers strudel. No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now. I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver? the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old mans last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmothers delicious strudel? the old man plaintively queries?

Im very sorry,grandfather, she says you cant have any, its for the funeral!

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Jackson to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, I want my $20 million.

The man replied, No, sir. It doesnt work that way. We give you a million today and then youll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.

Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, Look, I want my money! If youre not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!

What are the 2 ways Blondes and dogs are the same?

They can both bleed for a week without dying and bury a bone without getting there nose dirty.

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.



10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.

Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.

Claymores are labeled This side toward enemy for a reason.

Dont draw fire, it irritates the people around you.



Dont ever be the first, dont ever be the last and dont ever, ever volunteer to do anything.



Dont look conspicuous: it draws fire.

If its stupid but works, it really isnt stupid.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.

If you cant remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Incoming fire has the right of way.



It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you cant get out.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

The easy way is always mined.



The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:

a. When youre not ready for them.

b. When youre ready for them.

Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.



The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?

Missionary

Whats 30 feet long and smells like urine?

A country line dance at the nursing home!

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.

A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.

The blonde was very upset as she screamed, This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!

Nuts … my shaft is bent
After 18 holes I can barely walk
You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
Look at the size of his putter
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it
My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip
Nice strokes, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isnt …

Hold up … I need to wash my balls first

You: Waiter. Waiter!!! I have a problem.Waiter: Yes sir. Before I can help you with your problem I need to get your zip code, phone number, and birth date.
….
Ok great thankyou. So what is the problem?You: Well there is a dead bee in the soup that you brought me.Waiter: Will you please leave our restaurant, and come back in? Then the dead bee might have disappeared.You: No Ive tried that but it didnt work.Waiter: Well maybe there is something wrong with how you handled the soup? Please try using the fork.You: Well it doesnt matter if I used the fork, there is still a dead bee in my soup. Are you going to bring me another soup?Waiter: Before we can do that, I must check to see if your plate is compatible to the bowl. That might have caused the dead bee to appear in your bowl.
….
Waiter: Ok it does look compatible. Can you please tell me exactly what you where doing before you realized that there was a bee in the soup.You: Sigh, just forget it. Ill just take the bee out of the soup and drink it.Waiter: Ok well if that would satisfy you. We work hard to give you the best support as possible. Please call me again if you have any problems. Here is your bill.Todays Soup $ 5.00
Support $ 10.00 (10 minutes)
_________
$ 15.00

Yes, its hard to believe,but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time to greet the new century. And theyve been40 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introducedat Toy Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs intoa wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market. In every incarnation,nationality, and skin tone, shes perfectly turned out,with accessories galore at her longslender fingertips. Shes Everywoman, shes the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what willMattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40? Why fight age? Why notcapitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for apast 40 Barbie:Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbies bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbies hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.Cooks Arms Barbie: Hide Barbies droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbies dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crows-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbies own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.Midlife Crisis Barbie: Ken has a young Swedish girlfriend, so its time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. Theyre hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."Single Mother Barbie: Theres not much time for primping anymore! Kens shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbies across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbies selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, shes going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke. Who knows when Barbie willhave outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home, the possibilities andaccessories are endless.