Old and New Jokes

Here are the top ten things that men know about women!1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10. Periods?

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Happy, Happy, Happy!

This is the 25,000th joke added to JakesJokes.com!

An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.

The American, aware of the Frenchmans mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.

You French people eat the entire roll of bread?! he says in an astonished tone.

Yes, replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.

Not us, says the American. We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants.

The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.

Eww… says the American, You eat your bread with that jelly?

Yes, says the Frenchman.

Not us, says the American, We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peal in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly.

Really? says the Frenchman, And what do you do with your used condoms?

Taken aback, the American says, Uhh… we just throw them away.

Not us, said the Frenchman, We throw them in a container, process them, and sell it as gum to the Americans.

My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget and about the costs of running the house in general. This has become worse since we have had the twins.

Everything is double … clothes, food, pediatrician bills. Lately, he has even been complaining about the amount of baby powder I have been using on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes. Ive had to remind him that … talc is cheap.

My brother and I used to fight over everything. Who would get the best toy. Who would get the biggest treat.

Well, on this rainy day Mother discovered she only had one large lollipop for a treat and told us we would have to share. My brother, who was two years older than me suggested that he would take a wooden mallet and break it evenly for us to share and I readily agreed, But when he hit it, it shattered into a number of uneven pieces that we couldnt divide evenly.

Mother told us we should have expected that would occur. She said, … You can never give a sucker an even break.

I Dont Think Hell Win Any Popularity Contests …

… On Monday morning it was determined to arrest the Greaser, Joe Pizzanthia, and to see precisely how his record stood in the Territory … A party started for his cabin, which was built on a side-hill. The interior looked darker than usual from the bright glare of the surrounding snow. The smmons to come forth being disregarded, Smith Ball and George Copley entered, contrary to the advice of their comrades, and instantly recieved the fire of their concealed foe. Copley was shot through the breast. Smith Ball recieved a bullet in the hip. They both staggered out, each ejaculating, Im shot. Copley was led off by two friends, and died of his wound. Smith Ball recovered himself, and was able to empty his six shooter into the body of the assassin, when the latter was dragged forth.

The popular excitement rose nearly to madness. Copley was a much-esteemed citizen, and Smith Ball had many friends. It was the instant resolution of all present that the vengeance on the Greaser should be summary and complete.

A party whose military experience was still fresh in their memory made a rush, at the double-quick, for a mountain howitzer which lay dismounted, where it had been left by the train to which it was attached. Without waiting to place it on the carriage, it was brought by willing hands to within five rods of the windowless side of the cabin, and some old artillerists, placing it on a box, loaded it with shell, and laid it for the building. by one of those omissions so common during times of excitement, the fuse was left uncut, and, being torn out in its passage through the logs, the missile never exploded, but left a clean breach through the wall, making chips fly. A second shell was put into the gun, and this time the fuse was cut, but the range was so short that the explosion took place after it had traversed the house.

Thinking that Pizantha might have taken refuge in the chimney, the howitzer was pointed for it and sent a solid shot through it. Meanwhile the military judgement of the leader had been shown by the posting of some riflemen opposite the shot-hole, with instructions to maintain so rapid a fire upon it that the beleaguered inmate should not be able to use it as a crenelle through which to fire upon the assailants. No response being given to the cannon and small-arms, the attacking party began to think of storming the dwelling.

The leader called for voulunteers to follow him. Nevada cast in her lot first, and men from the crowd joined. The half dozen stormers moved steadily, under cover of the edge of the last building, and then dased at the house, across the open space. The door had fallen from the effects of the fusilade; but, peeping in, they could not see anything until a sharp eye noticed the Greasers boots protruding. Two lifted the door while Smith Ball drew his revolver and stood ready. The remainder seized the boots.

On lifting the door, Pizanthia was found lying flat and badly hurt. His revolver was beside him. He was quickly dragged out, Smith Ball paying him for the would he had recieved by emptying his revolver into him.

A clothes-line was taken down and fastened round his neck; the leader climbed a pole, and the rest holding up the body, he wound the rope round the top of the stick of timber, making a jamb hitch. While aloft, fastening all securely, the crowd blazed away upon the murderer swinging beneath his feet. At his request,Say, boys! Stop shooting a minute-the firing ceased, and he came down by the run. Over one hundred shots were discharged at the swaying corpse.

A friend-one of the four Bannack originals-touched the leaders arms and said, Come and see my bonfire. Walking down to the cabin, he found that it had been razed to the ground by the maddened people, and was then in a bright glow of flame. A proposition to burn the Mexican was recieved with a shout of exultation. The body was hauled down and thrown upon the pile, upon which it was burned to ashes so completely that not a trace of a bone could be seen when the fire burned out.

In the morning some women of ill-fame actually panned out the ashes, to see whether the desperado had any gold in his purse.

A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom took St.Peter aside and asked him if it was possible for them to be married.

Im afraid youll have to wait, St.Peter replied. Check back after five years time, and if you still want to be married we will talk about it.

Five years passed and the couple came back to see St.Peter. Repeating their request, St.Peter replied,Sorry, you must wait another five years.

Fortunately after the wait, St.Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple were very happy, but later they realized that they had made a mistake. They went to see St.Peter, this time to ask for a divorce.

WHAT!? St.Peter asked. It took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, Now you want us to find a lawyer?.

Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbours 10 year old daughters rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage, hoping its death would be written off as natural causes.

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbours Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girls dead rabbit and put it back in its cage??

Un día se encontraba un ancianita pescando del lado derecho de un muelle, saque y saque peces. En ese momento, llega un joven y se sienta del otro lado del muelle sin tener suerte.

Al día siguiente, el chico llega más temprano que la señora para ganarle el lugar, sin tener suerte. La vieja al llegar se sienta a pescar ahora del lado izquierdo del muelle, saque y saque pescados. En eso, intrigado el joven le pregunta a la dama:

Oiga, abuelita, ¿cómo le hace para saber en que lado va a estar buena la pesca?

Muy fáchil, hijito, todash lash mañanash cuando me levanto, me fijo hacia que lado tiene el pene mi esposho. Si lo tiene hacia la deresha, pesco del lado deresho del muelle, y si lo tiene hachia la izquierda, pesco del lado izquierdo del muelle.

El mozalbete, queriendo fregar a la ancianita, le pregunta:

¿Y cuándo tiene el pene parado, hacia que lado pesca?

Sonriendo, la anciana le responde:

Si tiene el pene parado, hijito… ¡De pendeja me vengo a peshcar!

Erase uan vez una huasita que viene a Santiago a ver a una tía. Y le da por ir a comprar.

Y cuando iba por ahí vio una falda a $7000 y entró a verla pero se la subieron a $8000.

Después iba por otro lado y vio unos calzones a $3000 pero adentro se los bajaron a $1500.

Después fue al mercado a comprar tomates pero sólo había penca, ella no quería pero igual la tuvo que comprar.

Llegó a la casa y la tía le dijo:

¿Cómo te fue?

Más o menos, solo que me subieron la falda, me bajaron los calzones y me metiron la penca.

Repetition does not establish validity.

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. Thats a good point, Sparky. No, Im sorry, but Im going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what youre doing. For example: If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom.

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you havent lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN.

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying theres free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, Oh youve got to be faster than that.

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.