Old and New Jokes

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,

plus three times the square root of four,

divided by seven,

plus five times eleven,

equals nine squared and not a bit more.

Tis a favorite project of mine

A new value of pi to assign.

I would fix it at 3

For its simpler, you see,

Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.

(The Lure of the Limerick by W.S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to Harvey L. Carter).

If inside a circle a line

Hits the center and goes spine to spine

And the lines length is d

the circumference will be

d times 3.14159

If (1+x) (real close to 1)

Is raised to the power of 1

Over x, you will find

Heres the value defined:
2.718281…

Heres a limerick – looks better on paper.

          /3

        /

       |  2            3 x 3.14           3_

       | z dz  x  cos( ----------) = ln (/e )

       |                  9

      /

       1

Which, of course, translates to:

Integral z-squared dz

from 1 to the square root of 3

times the cosine

of three pi over 9

equals log of the cube root of e.

And its correct, too.

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

Ill bet youre back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive, says the beaming boy to the his dad.

Nope, comes dads reply, Im gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like youve been doing to me all these years!

Id never make jokes about the London Underground – thats beneath me.

Your horse wears shoes, but you dont.

It doesnt bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.

An elderly spinster called the lawyers office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, You must understand, Ive lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I dont like to go out. Would it
be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinsters home for the meeting to discuss her estate and
the will.

The lawyers first question was,
Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how youd like them to be distributed
under your will?

She replied, Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.

Tell me, the lawyer asked, how would you like the $40,000 to
be distributed?

The spinster said, Well, as Ive told you, Ive lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so Id like them to notice when I pass on. Id like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.

The lawyer remarked, Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
But tell me, he continued, what would you like to do with the
remaining $5,000?

The spinster replied, As you know, Ive never married, Ive lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact Ive never slept with a man. Id like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.

This is a very unusual request, the lawyer said, adding, but
Ill see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about
how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a
bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, Ill drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until youre finished.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinsters house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didnt come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, Pick me up tomorrow, shes going to let the
County bury her!

An English woman and a Redneck woman woman were grocery shopping, After watching the other woman staring at and hefting two potatoes she asks What are you looking at?

The Redneck woman says the potatoes reminded her of her husbands testicles. The English woman exclaims, THEY ARE THAT BIG?

The redneck woman says, No, they are that dirty!